Songs of Yesterday
by The Angel of the Lion
Summary: Four years have passed since the death of Squall Leonhart, and his legacy still remains. But what if something else was left? What if all that died was memories?
1. Prologue

A/N  I will be continuing with my other fics, I just couldn't resist writing this.  It'll be a bit different from all my others as most of it will be from different character's viewpoints.  Anyway, please review.  Also, the prologue takes place four years before the rest of the story.

**Songs of Yesterday**

_Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it._

George Santayana, The Life of Reason.

Prologue

_If nothing else is left, one must scream._

_Silence is the real crime against humanity._

Nadezhda Mandelstam, Hope Against Hope.

"Who's there?"

"It's me," a voice from the darkness growled.

"I'm sorry, sir.  Come right in.  I didn't recognise you Commander Leonhart."  

Squall entered the front gate of Garden, his arm around Rinoa.  He looked down at her, smiling and kissed the top of her head softly.

"Did you have a nice evening?"

"It was wonderful.  Thank you."  She still couldn't believe that it was quite real.  Squall had always been so cold, so uncaring, and there he was taking her out for dinner at an expensive restaurant and, the most perfect part of all, a moonlit walk along the beach.  She couldn't help feeling that something was wrong.

"If you don't mind, could you come with me to my dorm?  I have…I have something I need to tell you."  Alarm bells began to ring in Rinoa's head.

_"What could he want to speak to me about?  This can't be anything good.  And just to make it worse, I'll have to tell him_ _tonight.  I've been putting it off for far too long.  I have to do it tonight."_

"Are you alright?  You don't look too well."  

"I'm fine, she lied.  Just a little tired, that's all."  The feeling of dread began to deepen in her stomach, as she began to think.  _"Just how do I tell him I'm pregnant?"_

_"She knows.  She must know.  That's why she looks so afraid.  She knows what I'm going to ask.  And she's going to say no."_

He patted the top pocket of his jacket, making sure that the ring was still there, that he hadn't lost it on the way back to Garden.  He knew that he was just being foolish.  He had already checked several times before, just to be sure.  He was nervous.  So nervous that he couldn't bear the thought of anything ruining his plans.

_"Maybe I shouldn't do it."_  

_"No, I'm no coward.  I'm not going to back down now.  I've been planning this for so long."_  He took a deep breath to build up his courage, before unlocking his the door to his room.

"Rinoa, I need to tell you this," he began in earnest.

"Hold on," she interrupted.  "I…I have something very important to tell you.  It can't wait."

"But Rinoa, I…I love you, and I was wondering if…if…"

"Could Commander Leonhart please report to my office immediately.  I repeat, could Commander Leonhart please report to my office immediately.  This is urgent."  Squall sighed at the sudden interruption from the PA system, knowing that the moment was ruined, his courage ebbing slowly away from him.

"I…I guess I'd better go."  He kissed her on the forehead and turned to leave, disheartened. 

"Wait, Squall."  She grabbed his trailing arm, pulling him back around to face her.  "Did you mean that?  Really?"

"That I love you?"  

"Yes," she whispered.

"I meant it with all my heart, you're everything to me.  I just wanted you to know."  He looked down at the floor, too embarrassed to look her in the eye.  He had been saving this revelation for the moment he proposed.

"Thank you."  She threw her arms around him, kissing him deeply.  

Shocked, he turned to leave.

"Oh and Squall?"

"Yes."

"I love you too."

"Squall, this is an urgent request from Esthar.  A group of militants is trying to overthrow the government there.  They are encamped outside the city, which is where SeeD will engage them.  You will command a group of almost a hundred SeeDs.  We're sending our finest fighters to back you up.  Estharian forces will also be there."

"If Esthar has its own army, why does SeeD have to be there?"

"Their army has insufficient numbers and the soldiers are not as well trained as SeeDs.  Besides, President Laguna specifically requested your presence."

_Me?  Why me?_

"When do we leave?"

"Immediately."

"Immediately?"  Squall's heart sank.  _"I won't be able to ask her until I come back."_

"Is that a problem?"

"No.  No it's not."  He left the Headmaster's office, taking the ring box out of his pocket.  "_I'm taking this with me.  There's no way I'm letting her find this.  It has to be a surprise."_

"Squall.  Please be careful."  Squall could see the concern in Rinoa's eyes.  She seemed truly afraid that something might happen to him.

"I'll be fine.  I can take care of myself."  He gently stroked her cheek.  "Before you know it, I'll be back here with you."

"Promise?"

"I promise.  I'll be here." 

She smiled, remembering the previous promise they had made in the flower field.  Squall had stayed true to his word, and she had no reason to doubt him now.

"Can I tell you something before I go?" she asked, tentatively.

"Of course.  What is it?"

"I…I'm…"  She couldn't do it.  She couldn't tell him.  "I love you Squall."

"I love you too."  He kissed her goodbye and stepped aboard Ragnarok.

_"I will tell him.  It'll just have to wait.  I have plenty of time to tell him."_


	2. Nightmare

Chapter 1

_I look inside myself and see my heart is black._

_I see my red door and it has been painted black._

_Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts._

_It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black._

The Rolling Stones, Paint It Black.

Four Years Later:

"Rinoa, can I come in?  I need to talk to you."

"Sure Quistis.  I'll be right there."  I ran around the room trying to get changed quickly.  What was so important that she had to get me out of the shower for?  I stared in the mirror and was satisfied with my appearance.  Well, apart from the hair.  I looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge.  I gave it a quick run through with my hairbrush and answered the door.  "Sorry about the wait."

"That's alright.  Please, Rinoa.  Sit down."  I could see the solemn expression on Quistis' face.  I hadn't seen her this worried in a long time.  Fear began to spread through the pit of my stomach.  I could sense that she would be the bearer of bad news.

"You're scaring me now.  What's wrong?  And when did you get back from your mission?"  I bombarded her with so many questions, but I only wanted the answer to one.  "Where's Squall?"

"It's Squall I came to talk to you about."  Her voice seemed deadly serious.  

"He's okay, isn't he?"  My heart was leaping in my chest and my stomach filled with a feeling of dread.  "Please.  Tell me what happened."

"Squall left the battle field in pursuit of the rebel leader.  We searched for days but couldn't find either of them.  All we found was this."  Quistis handed Squall's gunblade to me, which I immediately dropped in shock and despair.

"No, Quistis.  What are you trying to say?"  Tears had begun to stream down my cheeks.  I couldn't control it.  I knew what she was about to tell me.

"He's dead Rinoa.  He isn't coming back."  Her words hit me like a bombshell, forcing all the life out of me.  _He isn't coming back._  I sat down gently on the bed, waiting for the words to sink in.  _No, this can't be true.  He promised.  He promised me.  Of course he'll come back._

"No.  No, I don't believe you," I screamed at her.

"Rinoa…"

"I won't believe you.  Get out!"  

I sat up with a start.  I was breathing heavily and my sheets were drenched with sweat.  That dream again.  I've been having that dream ever since that day four years ago.  I just can't forget.

Believe me, I've tried.  I've tried so damn hard.  I tried to get away from everything.  I left Garden, left my friends.  Everything reminded me of him, and that was the last thing I wanted.  I couldn't take wandering through the halls of Garden, getting sympathetic looks from everyone I passed.  I knew what they were thinking.

_She's all alone now.  She has nobody, not since her boyfriend died._

I was so desperate to get away from things, I even went to live with him…my…father.  

Things didn't change though.  He was still all wrapped up with his work, didn't care about me.  He didn't even notice how ill I was becoming.  I didn't eat, didn't sleep.  I spent every night at the bar, drowning my sorrows, hoping somehow that alcohol would wash away my memories.  

I knew it was a stupid thing to do, but at the time, I didn't care what happened to me.  As far as I was concerned, my life was over.  I just wished I could curl up and die.

Until one day… 

I'd been drinking heavily the previous night and hadn't eaten a thing for days.  As soon as I got out of bed I collapsed, waking up a few days later in hospital.  And that's when they told me…told me I'd lost my baby.

I was devastated.  As if losing Squall wasn't bad enough.  But somewhere inside me, something clicked.  I don't know, maybe I saw the light.  I realised what I'd been doing to myself and I vowed I'd stop it.  It wasn't what he would have wanted.

Sure, it was difficult at first.  I got so many jobs, but none of them really kept me occupied.  I still couldn't take my mind of Squall, off the life we could have shared together.  On a whim, I decided to visit Zone and Watts.  After all, I had been meaning to return to Timber, to see what it was like liberated.  

I hadn't meant to stay, it just happened really.  I enjoyed their company, I'd really missed them.  They asked me to stay the night, but that night became a week.  After that, I found a job.  A good one.  I've stuck with it ever since.

Right now, I'm a journalist for Timber Maniacs.  I write travel articles, so I get to see the world.  I guess it takes my mind off things.  I just want to forget my past, act like it never happened, become a normal person again.  I think I'm getting there.  I just need more time.

Time…time?

Damn.  

Looking at the clock, I saw it was 7.30.  Damn, I'm going to be late for work.  I leap out of bed, and start my morning routine.  I slip on my favourite t-shirt and pants and brush my hair.  I wish I had time for a shower.  I undo the clasp on my necklace and put it on carefully.  Staring in the mirror, I sigh, seeing the Griever necklace clash against that given to me by my mother.  I guess I'll never escape him.

I walk over to my bed and pull out a large, metallic box from underneath it.  I open it and pull out a faded photograph.  Every day I look at this and it makes no difference.  It makes me smile though, to see how happy we were back then.  Before it happened.  A photograph won't bring him back though. 

I stuff the photograph away, not wanting to be lost in my thoughts again.  Checking my watch, I know it's time to leave.  I grab my bag and leave my apartment, hopefully leaving my thoughts behind too.

Thanks to:

Riona

Renegade Seraph

Discordia the Goddess of Irony

CTHKSI


	3. Reflection

Chapter 2

_Life levels all men:_

_Death reveals the eminent._

George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman.

Diary of Quistis Trepe 

2nd May

Today was a poignant day for me.  It's been four years without him.  Those four years sure have dragged.  I didn't realise how much I'd miss him being around.  It's been really difficult.

That day.  It was the beginning of the end for all of us really.  The six of us thought we'd be there for each other always.  We went through so much together, but Squall's death?  We couldn't deal with that.

A few days afterwards, Rinoa left.  She didn't even say goodbye.  I guess I can understand her wanting to leave.  If I was in her position, I'm not sure if I'd want to stay in Garden.  Still, I wish she'd have said goodbye.  I know I was a little jealous when Squall and her fell in love, but she was my friend.  I miss her.  I don't even know if she's alright.  I haven't heard anything from her for four years.  I don't even know where she is.  I visited her father's house soon after she left, but he said she wasn't there.  Now, I'm not sure if he was telling the truth.  Maybe I should try and find her.  I miss her.

A few weeks later, Irvine went back to Galbadia Garden.  He said that there was too much sadness here.  I kind of agree with him.  Selphie was broken hearted though.  She's not been the same since.  It's strange to think that she used to be bright and happy.  Now, she's forever down, and she's become so serious about her duties at Garden.  I can't blame her.  Garden is the only thing she has left.

And as for Zell.  Well, Zell still lives in hope.  It's admirable really.  In the beginning, we all had our hope, but now…now, that hope is dead.  Zell, on the other hand, still believes Squall's out there.  He's been taking a lot more missions on since that day.  I know he's only doing them in the hope that he'll find Squall.  Sometimes, I just wish he'd face up to reality.  Squall's dead.  He's not coming back.

He's not coming back.

On a brighter note, it's also the four year anniversary of me becoming the Commander here.  I still don't feel like I've earned it though.  Everywhere I go, people stare at me, as if they're saying,

"Squall should be the Commander, not you.  You're just second best."

I hate that, but at the same time, I know it's true.  If Squall were still here, he'd be Commander.  I guess I didn't earn this.  I guess that's why I stay awake at night.  I guess that's why I dream of him.  Dream of him being angry with me.  He calls me a traitor, says I've stolen his place in life.  Maybe I have.

Maybe I'm just a fraud.

Thanks to:

Riona

Diskord

CTHKSI

Angelprinczess29

Rinoa Leonhart73

Rebekka

Do you guys really think I'd be mean enough to kill of Squall?  Well?  Maybe I am.  I guess you have to wait to find out!!  Aren't I cruel?

Ps.  If you want to, please read my Kingdom Heart's fic, For Love and Honour, as it focuses on Squall and even starts off in the world of FF8.  There's some Squinoa too.  Thanks.


	4. Waltz for the Moon

Chapter 3

_To live in hearts we leave behind_

_Is not to die._

Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground.

"Leon.  Hey, Leon, I need some help out here."

_What is it now? Can't this guy take care of himself yet?_  I slowly stood up, leaving my room and heading out of the house to where Maron was screaming.  

"What?" I demanded.

"What do you mean, what?  There's a monster out here!"  He was waving his arms around frantically, pointing in the direction of the so called monster.

"It's a bite bug."  I still couldn't believe this guy.  He was panicking about a damn bite bug.  Even the children of the village weren't afraid of bite bugs.

"Leon, don't just stand there with your hands on your hips.  Do something about it."  

I sighed, drawing my twin pistols from my waist.  I took one shot at the bite bug.  It fell to the floor dead.  

"Thank you."  

I shook my head, still in disbelief, before heading back to the house.

_I've got to get out of here.  It's driving me crazy.  Sure, Winhill's a nice place to live for a while, but then, well it gets boring.  All I have to do here is fight a few little monsters.  Anyone could do that.  _

_Well, maybe not anyone.  Maron couldn't.  I kind of feel sorry for the guy.  Everyone says he's not been the same since his sister died some twenty years ago.  He still hasn't gotten over it.  Apparently, she died giving birth.  The father was a foreigner and never came back for her.  I guess that's why nobody likes strangers here._

_Still, they took me in, and I'm grateful for it.  Maron was the one who found me on the beach in Esthar whilst he was out fishing.  He took me in, gave me somewhere to live.  All I had to do in return was kill a few monsters, keep the town safe._

_I guess that was okay for a while.  I just want to get out of here.  Same old routine every day.  I need some excitement.  Something to keep me occupied so I don't spend every hour of every day thinking._

_But what I want more than anything is to remember.  Remember what happened before._

I opened my curtains, looking up at the sky_.  Getting late.  Maybe I'll go get a drink._

Walking down the stairs, I noticed a strange sound coming from the living room.  _Sounds like someone crying._

I stood at the door trying to be as silent as possible.  Maron was in there, looking at all the stuff his sister Raine had left him.  He pulled out a musical box with a couple dancing on top.  He wound it up and the music started.  It sounded familiar somehow.

Suddenly I wasn't in that room anymore.

I was stood in a large, spacious ballroom with my back against the wall and a glass in my hand.  I was wearing some kind of uniform, maybe from the military or something.  Glancing across the room I noticed the floor was full of couples dancing.

And then, I saw her.

An angel.

She looked at me, her deep brown eyes boring right into the depths of my soul.  She pointed towards the starry, night sky and walked towards me, the heels of her shoes clicking against the floor.  I took a deep breath and composed myself.

"Hey.  You're the best looking guy here.  Dance with me?"

_Why would she want to dance with me?_  Look at her, she's beautiful.  

"I don't dance."  It took all I had to refuse her.  I just really don't like to dance.

"I get it.  You'll only dance with someone you like."  She wasn't going to give up that easily.  Moving her hand towards my face, as if trying to hypnotise me, she said, "You're going to like me, you're going to like me.  Did it work?"

_Yes._

"I told you, I can't dance."  

"Don't worry.  You'll be fine."  Despite myself, I let her drag me onto the dance floor as the music started.

That music.

It was the same.

She placed one of my hands on her waist, and took the other in her own.  Her touch made me shiver, it was so gentle.  

I started to dance in time with the music.  At least, I tried to.  I don't know how to dance.  Soon I was tripping over my own feet.  I'd had enough.  

I tried to leave the dance floor, but she dragged me back and made me try again.  It didn't matter, I was still clueless.

After a few seconds, I managed to crash into another couple.  I thought she'd be mad, or at least a little embarrassed, but she pulled her tongue out at the two people glaring at us.  And then…then she smiled.

Something in that smile made my heart melt.  I was entranced by it.  Before I knew it, I was dancing as if I'd been doing it my whole life.  I actually started to enjoy myself.  

We both stopped dancing, staring at the fireworks outside.  Looking back at each other, I found myself staring into those eyes.  I leaned forward, hoping to kiss her, but she pulled back.

"I've gotta go."  She smiled as she walked off the dance floor, leaving me gazing after her.

"Leon.  You alright."  Maron was shaking me by my shoulders.

"I'm fine."

"You look like you've blacked out or something.  You sure you're okay?"  I nodded.  "Fine.  Get some rest or something."

"Yeah.  I think I'll do that."  I climbed back upstairs, lost in thought, and lay on my bed.

_Who is she?_

Thanks to:

Amber Tinted

CTHKSI

Riona

LeopardDance.


	5. Anything But Ordinary

Chapter 4

_Shed some skin for the fear within._

_Is starting to hurt me with everything._

_Freed from our memory._

_Escape from our history._

Manic Street Preachers, Everything Must Go.

The receptionist behind the counter glared evilly at me as I rushed into the building.

"Late again," she remarked dryly.

Just who does she think she is anyway?  It's not like she's my boss or anything.  She's just one of those people who think they are far senior and important than anybody else there.  There's one in every work place.   The annoying thing is, she's all sweetness and light when the boss is around.  I hate two-faced people.

As soon as her gaze returned to her work I pulled my tongue out at her and opened the door to my office.  I quickly hung my coat up and sat behind my desk in the pretence that I hadn't been late at all, and had in fact been hard at work for some time now.  It was lucky I did, as this was the moment that Helana, my boss, chose to walk through the door.

"Rinoa, how's the article on the music festival going?"  

I cringed, realising that the deadline was in a few days time.

"Erm...it's fine," I lied.  "Almost finished."

"Oh, that's a shame because I don't need you to do it anymore," she said matter of factly.  Helana had a habit of constantly changing plans without informing anybody.  It was infuriating, but you learnt to live with it.  Either that, or you got fired.  "I asked someone else to do it."

"What am I doing instead?" I asked, praying that it was not another article about some cheap tourist attraction.  I wanted to finally be free from reporting on fairs, circuses and theme parks, and various other small places that nobody would ever visit in a million years, no matter what I wrote.  

"I've heard about this adorable little place from a friend of mine.  Erm, what was it called?"  

I sat there patiently, knowing that she would soon remember. 

"Winhill.  Yes, that's it, Winhill."

"Really?" I asked, shocked that she had heard of such a small village.

"You know it?"

"I've heard of it," I replied.  I knew that my voice had been tinged with sadness, but thankfully, Helana was far too self-absorbed to have noticed.

"Well, here's your train ticket to Dollet."  She handed me an unmarked, white envelope.  "I hear that they're a bit wary of tourists there, but I'm sure you'll be fine.  Just give me a nice article about the village for the newspaper.  A little about it's history maybe.  Oh, and don't forget to ask about monsters, I hear the village sometimes becomes overrun by them."

"Excuse me.  I'm going to Dollet?"  

"There aren't any trains to Winhill.  You have to take a boat from Dollet.  Now, there's only one a day, so don't be late."  She looked at me knowingly.  I bet the receptionist had been talking.  "Well, hurry up and pack your things.  I want you on that train in two hours."

I hastily threw my clothes into my suitcase, double-checking that everything else was packed.  I was notorious for forgetting things.  Often, I would turn up to do an interview without a tape recorder or a notebook.  It's a wonder I even remember to wake up in the morning.  Satisfied that everything was in my suitcase, I headed for the train station.

"Damn," I cursed as I saw the traffic outside my apartment.  I'd never make it to the station in that.  

I decided that walking was probably my best option, even though I was carrying a heavy suitcase.

I had to wonder just how much worse my day could get as I began to run, trying to get to the train on time.

"I'll get the sack."

I got on to the platform just before the train pulled away.  The guard was about to wave the train away.

"Hey, wait!" I shouted at him.  "I need to get on that train."  Grudgingly, the guard opened the door for me and let me on board.  I breathed a sigh of relief as I slumped down into my seat.  I had made it, just.  Maybe I wouldn't get the sack after all.

On the other hand, could I really do this?  Go to that place?  Squall had told me so much about it.  

A few months after we defeated Ultimecia, Laguna told Squall that he was his father.  Admittedly, he took it pretty hard at first.  He'd spent all his life alone, without a family, and suddenly he had a father again.  I think he was glad in the end.  He found out about where he came from, who his family was.  Together, they visited Winhill and went to see Raine's grave.  He told me all about the village, everything that he found out when Ellone sent him into Laguna's past, and everything that he did and saw when he went there himself.

Can I really face going somewhere that will just make me think of him?  

I guess I have to.  

At first, being in Timber made me think of Squall, of the time we spent together on the mission.  Time, however, is the best healer of all.  Now, I just see it as my home.

Maybe being in Winhill won't be as bad as I expect.

"Next stop, Dollet.  Next stop, Dollet.  This is the end of the line."

I picked up my suitcase and waited for the train to come to a halt.  The station at Dollet was refreshingly modern, at least compared to the rustic charm of Timber.  Compared to stations such as Deling it was fairly old-fashioned, but fitted into the town extremely well.

Outside the station, the rest of the town seemed to be very grand, with a mixture of old fashioned, and new buildings.  The new buildings seemed to be grouped together, obviously built over the ruins from the Galbadian invasion.  At the peak of the hill just outside the town, was the now deserted communications tower.

I shook my head, knowing that this would bring thoughts of Squall.  I had heard so much about the SeeD exam that Squall had taken.  To the younger cadets in Garden, it was legendary.  I was told by a junior classmen that Squall had fought alone against an invincible machine created by the Galbadians, followed by hundreds of their best soldiers.  These over exaggerated stories became more preposterous every week and Squall hated it.

"Must they talk about me all the time?" he would ask.  "You'd think they were in the presence of a hero, not a mercenary."  No matter what anybody said, Squall refused to believe he was anything but ordinary.  He could never see what others did.

Being here in this place made me realise how much of Squall's life I'd missed out on.  I realised that, although we had been through so much together, there were still some things that we could never have shared.  There were some things that I was never a part of.

Heading into the harbour, I scanned the shoreline for the boat to Winhill.  There was a large passenger boat bustling with people that I assumed was heading for Balamb.  My mind wandered to all the friends that I had at Garden.  

Were they all okay?  

"Hey, you heading for Winhill?" a gruff voice asked me.  I looked and saw a middle aged man in a small wooden fishing boat.

"Yes," I replied, suddenly unsure of myself.  Should I go ahead with this?

"Well, hurry up and get in then.  I don't have all day."  I automatically clasped the rings on my necklace for comfort, before stepping forward.

I can do this.

Thanks to:

Rinoa Heartilly

Discordia the Goddess of Irony

LeopardDance

Lost Soul

Amber Tinted

xxAngelHeartxx

CTHKSI

Riona


	6. Arrival

Chapter 5 

_Gone the dream, it's all faded now._

_Take me home._

Ash, Gone the Dream.

I peered over the side of the boat, into the depths of the ocean below.  I could see my reflection staring back at me, taunting me.  It had changed so much in the last four years.  The last time I truly stepped back to look at myself was that night I took a walk with Squall along the beach.  I was just strolling along the sand, letting the waves lap gently over my feet, when I noticed my reflection in the water.  I had never before gazed into the mirror and seen someone so filled with happiness.  Squall asked what I was looking at, and I told him that for the first time in my life, I was happy.  He told me that was the way it would always be.  It wouldn't change. 

_Time would go on, seasons would change, but our love would live on forever._

Haunted by these memories, I saw another reflection materialise beside my own.  

"Squall," I whispered.  His face was just as I remembered.  He hadn't changed since the night he left, cold blue eyes still penetrating deep within my soul, somehow filling me with an inexplicable feeling of warmth.  He just stared back at me, smiling.

The illusion didn't last long, dispelled by the tear that cascaded down my cheek into the ocean.

"Hey, kid?  You alright?" asked the boatman.  I had almost forgotten that he was there, lost as I was in my own world.  I nodded, not looking directly at him.  "What business have you got in Winhill?"  He obviously wasn't one for conversation.  I got the feeling that he wasn't just asking out of curiosity.

"I'm a journalist," I replied.

"Hmph.  We don't need any more of your types in the village.  We don't want you to do anymore damage."  His mood was suddenly hostile.  Helana was right, they certainly were wary of outsiders.

"I'm not here to do any damage.  I'm just here to write an article."  I tried to explain my situation to him, but I was sure that he wasn't about to listen.

"That's what they all say.  Then they go and show us to the whole world, put us on TV and everything.  I just don't trust arrogant journalists."  He turned away from me and I could tell that he was contemplating turning around and taking me back to Dollet.

"Look, I don't want to change your village at all.  All I want to do is write one little article to keep my boss happy.  It's not as if anybody will read it anyway, so there's nothing for you to worry about."  He looked at me as if I'd just sprouted three heads.

"You're a funny thing."  He laughed at me.  "You're not like anyone who's ever come here before.  I like that.  Can't be doing with stuck up people."  

"Whatever," was the only reply I could think of.  Sure it wasn't very imaginative but it was the best I could come up with.  This was the first time in four years I'd ever been given a compliment.  It made a refreshing change from what I usually heard.

_"You have to get over him.  You're just being stupid.  Pull yourself together Rinoa."_  I couldn't begin to count the number of people that had said that to me.  As if they had any idea what I was going through.  

My thoughts were interrupted by the boatman laughing once more.

"You know what, you sound just like my son.  Well, he's my foster son technically.  Anyway, that's all he ever says.  Whatever."

It's worse than that.  I've started to sound like Squall.  

It was only now that I had begun to realise the effect that the death of his family and the lack of friends must have had on his life.  Sure, I had lost my mother, but I always had a father, even though most of the time we weren't even on speaking terms.  I'd always had friends as well.  I'd never been alone.  Until now, anyway.  

I didn't see anyone from Garden anymore, I lost touch with all my old school friends years ago, and after the liberation of Timber, I lost touch with Zone and Watts.  I didn't even get on with anybody at work.  This must have been what it was like for Squall.  And to think, I used to tell him to let people in, to share his feelings with others.  Ironic, isn't it?  Look who's the lone wolf now.  

"I'll have to introduce you to him."  I wasn't even aware that he was still talking to me.  "Anyway, enough about my son.  My name's Maron."  He held out his hand for me to shake.  I obliged just to be polite.

"Rinoa."

"Rinoa.  Unusual name.  Sounds familiar.  I can't place it though.  Don't you just hate it when that happens?"  I nodded in agreement, not really understanding what he was talking about.  "Is there any reason I might have heard of you?"  

"No," I replied.  Of course, I knew why he had heard my name.  Everybody knew my name after the Ultimecia incident.  Back then, I didn't mind so much.  Maybe because that was my life at one time.  I wasn't the same woman, no, the same girl, that I had been back then.  I couldn't take anymore questions about what it was like to be a sorceress and what it was like to have been close to the legendary Squall Leonhart.

"Never mind.  I'm sure it'll come to me."  He stared off into the distance, as if he was trying to place my name at this very moment.  It was then that he noticed the shoreline.  "We're almost there," he told me.  "Where are you going to be staying?"

"I have a room at the hotel."  At least I hoped I did.  Helana usually set me up at various hotels so that I didn't have to make my own travel arrangements.  I hoped she had done the same this time.

"Isn't it beautiful," he said, pointing towards the village, which I presumed must be Winhill.  I had to admit, it had it's own quaint appeal.  It seemed very cosy and picturesque, but not the kind of place you could live in.  It was so isolated and small, I think I would go crazy if I lived there.  Maybe when I'm older this would be the perfect place to live, but right now, I was glad I was only staying for a few days.

The bottom of the boat ground to a halt against the shoreline.  I picked up my luggage and stepped off the boat, letting my shoes sink into the sand.  He took hold of the guide rope and pulled the boat fully ashore.  

"Don't want it floating away," he pointed out to me as if I didn't have a clue what he was doing.  I may be a city girl at heart, but I had travelled and wasn't completely uneducated in the way of the world.  "I'll carry your bag," he offered.

"No, really.  I'm fine."  I effortlessly picked up my bag and set out towards the town.  "At least let me walk you to the hotel."

"Fine."  I was just being polite.  It wasn't as if I could get lost.  In fact, I'm sure it's impossible to get lost here.  There are only a couple of streets in the village.

"Follow me."  I trailed slowly behind him, taking in the breathtaking scenery, the endless fields, and the wonderful view of the sea.  I could see why Raine liked her little place in the world.  "That's the shop over there."  He pointed towards the building to the left.  "Just go there if you need to buy anything.   And here's the hotel."  He led me into a building on the right.  The ground floor seemed more like a restaurant than a hotel, as it was filled with wooden tables.  Each one had a vase of what looked like fresh flowers on them.  The smell spread throughout the room creating a pleasant atmosphere that was warm and welcoming.  In the far corner, elevated slightly, was a grand piano that appeared almost identical to the one my mother used to play in the Deling City Hotel.  I smiled, remembering how she taught me to play all those years ago.  I hadn't played recently.  I'm not sure why.  When I was younger and I argued so much with my father, I used to sit at the piano for hours, writing my own songs and playing those my mother taught me.  It always cheered me up, took my mind off everything else.  Maybe I should try it?

"Do you need any help?" The sight of a friendly receptionist shocked me after being in work that morning.

"I have a room reserved under the name of Heartilly."

"Here's your key, Miss Heartilly.  Your room is Number 3.  Would you like me to show you the way?"

"No, I'll be fine, thanks."  I just wanted to be alone for a while.

"I'd like to invite you to my house for dinner," Maron said before I could leave the room.  How was I going to get out of this one?

"I'm sorry.  I'd love to but I have so much work to do."  I hated lying, but this was necessary.  

"Oh, that's fine.  What are you going to write about?"  I hadn't really considered that, so I had to think quickly.

"I'd like to find out about how the town becomes overrun by monsters."  I could remember being told about that this morning.

"You'd better go and see my son, Leon.  He's like the monster hunter of the town."  Monster hunter?  That could make an interesting story.  "He'll be just outside the town.  There's a cave down by the beach.  He hangs out there a lot.  You should try looking for him there first."  This could be fun.

"Alright, I will.  Thanks."  


	7. Here With Me

Chapter 6 

So, so you think you can tell   
Heaven from Hell,   
Blue skies from pain.   
Can you tell a green field   
From a cold steel rail?   
A smile from a veil?   
Do you think you can tell?

Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here.

I turned the key in the lock and stepped into the room that would be my home for the next few days.  The best I can describe it as, is cosy.  Maybe it's a little old fashioned but that fits in with the rest of the village.  I threw my bag onto the bed and opened it.  I unpacked all my clothes, folding them neatly and placing them in the draws beside my bed.  I hated my room to be untidy.  I then removed my notepad and pen and put them into my pocket.  If I was going to interview this Leon it wouldn't do to forget them.  The last thing I removed was my laptop.  I placed it on the antique wooden desk in the corner of my room so that I could begin to type my report up later.  I picked up my key and my purse from the bed.  After all, you never know when you might need some money.  Taking a look out of the window, I saw where I should head.  At the far end of the beach, was a steep cliff face, into which a cave was set.  I guess that's where Leon must be.  I just hope he's not like his father.  

I took a deep breath, allowing the fresh sea air into my lungs, which are far more accustomed to factory smoke and car exhausts.  It's been so long since I've visited the seaside.  It almost feels like another world to me now, after spending the last few years in Deling and Timber.  I removed the boots from my feet and allowed the sand to sink between my toes, only to be washed away by the waves lapping over my feet.  It's so peaceful here.  There isn't a soul to be found on the beach, no children making sandcastles or splashing in the water.  It's almost as if I'm the only person in the world at the moment.  I embraced the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks in the distance, and revelled in the fact that there were no sounds of civilisation.  I was far from the hustle and bustle of what I would call home, but even though the surroundings were unfamiliar, they comforted me in a way that I cannot describe.  Squall's description of the place may have been fair, but right now, I disagreed,

"Just some little place in the middle of nowhere," he had told me.  "Nothing to do, no challenges.  The only danger's the odd weak monster that wandered into the village."

I guess that bit was true, but he never told me about this.  About how beautiful and picturesque the surroundings were.  About how everything was different from city life, the air, the atmosphere, everything.  Then again, Squall had never been able to appreciate the beauty of the world.  Life here seems so simple.  I can't remember the last time that was the case.  It was probably before Mum passed away, and that was an age ago.  At least now, I'm old enough to realise that she's in a better place, watching over me. Over the last four years, I had felt deep inside that she was with me.  Maybe I hadn't been totally alone.  

I reached down to the necklace that I wore everyday, that I had worn everyday for the last 16 years.  I ran my finger around the platinum band that had once been my mother's wedding ring.  I can still remember the day she gave it to me, when she was on her death bed.

"Rinoa," she had told me.  "One day you will truly know happiness.  That is the day that you find true love.  Only you will know when that day comes, but make sure that you do not let it go.  I have never mentioned this to anyone before, but that is my greatest regret.  I let my true love go, never to be known again."

"But, you love Daddy, don't you?"

"Of course sweetheart.  But when you are older, you will understand fully about fate and what is meant to be.  For now, you are too young."  She stroked my hair gently.  "You have a wonderful life ahead of you.  Do not worry."

"Mummy.  Are you going to die?"

"Don't think of it as dying, Rinoa.  I'll always be there for you when you need me.  I'll always watch over you."  She slipped her wedding ring off her finger and placed it on the chain that hung around my neck, the one she had bought for my birthday.  "See, I'll always be with you."

And with that, she took her last breath and passed silently into the light.

I smiled at the thought that she was always with me, and deep down, I knew that she had told me the truth.  She was always there.  What troubled me still was what she had told me about love and fate.  I knew now that her true love certainly wasn't Caraway.  Sure, she had cared for him, just like I had once cared for Seifer, but they weren't meant to be.  He hadn't even been with her when she died.  

The one she truly loved was Laguna Loire.  In the past he had told me many stories about my mother, about what a wonderful woman she was.  I could tell he felt the same about her.  

"There are so many things I regret in my life," he told me.  "But two rank above all others.  One was that I didn't find my only son sooner.  The other was going away to war and leaving your mother, the woman I loved, behind."  I could tell from the look on his face that this had haunted him ever since he left her room in the Galbadia Hotel.  Then he looked straight at me.  I had never seen him so serious before.  "I know of his feelings for you.  This is meant to be.  I don't want you two to make the same mistakes that Julia and I did.  Who knows, maybe you're here to undo that very same mistake."  

At the time, I did not pay much attention to his words, but in hindsight, I know that I should have heeded the warning he had given.

Sorry Laguna.  I guess I wasn't able to stop your mistake repeating itself.  Squall isn't here with me now.   I don't even feel him watching over me.

At least I have something.

I studied the ring he had given me closely.  Like the memory of Squall, Griever hadn't dulled over time.  It was really quite fitting that Griever was depicted as a lion.  It represented Squall so well.  He was never afraid and he would always fight if he needed to.  I guess that he was my guardian in a way.  He would always protect me.  

But I guess I'm on my own now.

I let go of my necklace with a sigh, the two rings clashing together as they fell.  Those two rings given to me by the only people that I truly loved.  People who are no longer here.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I realised that I could go no further along the beach, my path blocked by jagged rocks, rising up from the ground.  A quick glance to my right confirmed that I had made it to the cave without realising.  I slipped the boots back onto my feet and stepped into the cave, my footsteps echoing slightly as I walked.  As I rounded a corner, I could see someone with their back turned to me.  As it was dark, the only thing I could tell was that they were fairly tall and well built.  The figure seemed to be working out, doing some sort of exercise routine in time to the drips of water falling from the roof of the cave and splashing on the floor below.  I stepped out into the middle of the passage.

It was familiar, the exercise.  

It was a SeeD exercise routine, designed to improve strength and stamina.  I had seen it performed so many times before.  Squall would practice it every morning before he went for a shower.  How could Maron's son know anything about SeeD?

The figure seemed to become aware of my presence, turning around.  I will never forget the sight that stood before me.

"Squall."  The world seemed to stop for a few moments as I stood there, rooted to the spot, dumbfounded.

Was this just a dream?

No, it can't be.  He's standing in front of me.  He's really there.

It was definitely him.  The scar was there, the earring, the pendant too.  It was him.

Unable to control my emotions any longer, I ran towards him and fell into his arms, as I had done once before.  It felt so good to be with him, in his arms.  I could feel his warmth on me.  It was really him, and he was really here.

"Squall," I whispered.

"Who the hell are you?" he shouted, pushing me away, roughly.  I fell against the floor, hitting my head.  He stared down at me, as if he couldn't recognise me.

"Squall?  Squall, it's me."

"I don't know who the hell you are, but my name's not Squall, alright?"

It felt as though my world had fallen apart.  There, in front of me was the man I love.  The man I had loved ever since I met him.  And he didn't know who I was.  This was everything that I had wished for over the last few years.  I had found him, alive.  But things couldn't be worse.  Tears flowed freely down my cheeks, washing away all the hope that I had harboured over the years.  Unable to stay in this place any longer, I ran.  

I just ran.

I wanted to forget everything.  

How could he not remember?  Or maybe he does remember, and he came here to get away from me?  

But he told me he loved me.  The last thing he said before he left was "I love you too."

Was that a lie?

Had everything with him been a lie?

I ran back inside the hotel, exhausted, the tears still falling from my eyes.  My gaze drifted to the piano in the corner of the room.  

Well, it had always helped me in the past.  When Mum passed away, I just sat at the piano for days on end, finding comfort in my music.  Maybe now, it would help. 

"May I?" I asked the receptionist.  She nodded and left the room, sensing my need for a quiet moment alone.

I sat down on the stool, familiarising myself once again with the keys.  I sat up straight, positioning myself to play.  The only thing that I could think of to play was the song that I had written when I returned to Caraway's mansion after Squall had left.  

I gently pressed down on the keys, the sound drifting gracefully around the room as I began to sing.

_It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror_

_I guess that I was blind_

_Now my reflection's getting clearer_

_Now that you're gone things will never be the same again._

The words just flowed from my soul.  I didn't even realise that I could still remember them, it had been so long.

_There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day_

_You're such a part of me_

_But I just pulled away_

_Well, I'm not the same girl _

_you used to know_

_I wish I said the words I never showed_

_I know you had to go away_

_I died just a little, and I feel it now_

_You're the one I need_

_I believe that I would cry just a little_

_Just to have you back now_

_Here with me_

_Here with me_

The more I played, the less I could notice around me.  The room began to disappear, and soon there was just me.  Just me, sat at the piano, the music coming from the very depths of my soul, singing out my pain.

_You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart_

_And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true_

_But I was scared and left it all behind_

_I know you had to go away_

_I died just a little, and I feel it now_

_You're the one I need_

_I believe that I would cry just a little_

_Just to have you back now_

_Here with me_

_Here with me_

_And I'm asking_

_And I'm wanting you to come back to me_

_Please?_

My tears continued to flow in the realization of the words that I was singing.  All the pain, the hurt, the anger that I had bottled up over the last four years was finally emerging, and taking over me.  There was nothing I could do to save myself from the darkness that had enveloped me.

_I never will forget that look upon _

_your face_

_How you turned away and left_

_without a trace_

_But I understand that you did what you had to do_

_And I thank you_

_I know you had to go away_

_I died just a little, and I feel it now_

_You're the one I need_

_I believe that I would cry just a little_

_Just to have you back now_

_Here with me_

_Here with me_

As my song ended, I could do nothing but sit there, in tears, sobbing quietly to myself.

So this is what it means to be alone?

Slowly, I wiped my eyes, brushing the tears away as best I could.  

It was then that I noticed the figure in the doorway, watching me.

It was him.

Thanks to:

Almicene

Rinoa Heartilly

LeopardDance

Anonymous

Riona

CTHKSI

Discordia the Goddess of Irony

Rinoa Leonhart73

Dan

A/N  I'm sorry if you thought that Squall was a little harsh on Rinoa, all will be explained in the next chapter.  And don't worry, the other characters will be back shortly.

NB.  The song I used in this chapter was _Here With Me _by Michelle Branch, which I obviously didn't write myself.


	8. Faded Memories

Chapter 7 

_How many dawns?_

_How many dusks?_

_One old affair frequently hangs on my heart._

Faye Wong, Jun Xin Wo Xin.

I had hoped that the walk along the beach would have cleared my head.  Anything to forget that, that…dream?  Or was it a vision?  What am I talking about, of course it was just a dream.  A vivid dream, but a dream all the same.  I shouldn't worry about it, it doesn't mean anything.  

Then why can't I forget?

I gazed out towards the horizon, letting the cold sea breeze sting my cheeks, as I have done so many times before, wondering where I was really from.  I have no idea where I was born, where I grew up.  Somewhere out there is my home.  I just don't know where.

I sighed, as I often did when I became too absorbed in my own thoughts.  I knew from experience that thinking this way only resulted in me feeling even more depressed and unsure about who I really am.  

That's the reason I first started hunting the monsters that occasionally found their way into town.  I needed something to occupy my time, to stop me thinking about my past.

I began to walk once again, heading towards the one place I knew I wouldn't be disturbed.  The one place I knew I could be alone.  I spent much of my time in that cave, hidden slightly by the rocky coastline of the Winhill shore.  The slight dripping sound of the water as it hit the cave floor, comforted me slightly, bringing a sense of familiarity.  I found a large cavern and began to exercise, as I had done every day since I arrived.  I'm not sure how I know the set of exercise I perform, but I can tell that Maron does, and he's hiding it from me.  Once, a few weeks after I came here, he caught me exercising and lost it.  He told me that I should stop immediately, that it was wrong and would make people believe I was a true outsider.  He said I would be cast out of the town.  That is why I like to be alone so much.  I know I don't belong here.

I relax a little, feeling my muscles contract and relax in that familiar pattern that is so natural to me.  And then, it happened again.

I was still performing the same set of exercises, but the setting was different.  I was in a spacious, airy room with a set of double doors leading to a balcony above the ocean.  The room itself was fairly plain, a grand piano in the corner being the only distinguishing feature.  

"You do realise that you can have a lie-in, don't you?"  I looked around for the person who had spoken to me.  It was her.  "You are the Commander, you can have time off whenever you like."  She was sitting upright in the double bed at the centre of the room.  "Come back to bed."

I was once again stood in the cave, surrounded by nothing but rocks and water.  The room around me had disappeared and I was alone once again.  I shook my head, trying to make sense of what had just happened.  Was this just another dream?  But how can it be a dream if I'm still awake?  I didn't even pass out.  What the hell just happened?  Maybe I should go and see a doctor?  But what good could that do?  They won't know what's happening to me.  There's no use even trying to make sense of this.  

I began to exercise once again, trying to clear all thoughts of what had just happened, but before I could completely immerse myself in my actions, I became aware of a presence.  Turning around, I saw the figure of a young woman standing in front of me.  

It was her.

Sure, she looked a little different, older perhaps.  Her hair was slightly shorter, falling just on to her shoulders, and she seemed to have lost a little weight, but it was unmistakeably her.

"Squall?" she whispered.

Who's Squall.  And just who is she?  How is she invading me mind?  How is she getting into my head?  I don't even know her.  She ran into my arms. Instinctively, I pushed her away.

"Who the hell are you?" I demanded.  I saw her fall to the floor, hitting her head.  I felt a twinge of guilt.  I hadn't meant to hurt her.

"Squall?  Squall, it's me."  What is she talking about?  I don't understand.

"I don't know who the hell you are, but my name's not Squall, alright?"  My name is Leon.  Why was she calling me something different?  

As soon as I said this, she began to cry, fleeing from my presence.  I couldn't just let her go.  I needed to know who she was, and why I saw her in my mind.  I followed her, keeping a safe distance behind, watching her run gracefully along the beach.  The scene unfolding before me seemed somehow to be familiar, my mind racing, trying to discover why it felt like I had done this before.

I was running along a beach with pure, golden sand underneath my feet.  Turning around, I saw her running after me, laughing heartily.  For some reason, I didn't pick up my pace as I noticed her catching up to me.  For some unknown reason, buried deep within me, I wanted her to catch me.  She moved closer and closer to me, until finally she threw her arms around me, tackling me to the ground.  We rolled on the sand, until we both came to a stop.  I was lying directly on top of her, smiling as she collapsed into a fit of laughter.  She laced both of her arms around my neck, pulling me closer, our lips almost touching.

I have to sit down, unable to run any longer due to the shock I was in.  Why does this keep happening to me?  What is it that's happening to me?  Only one person can possibly have the answer to all of my questions, and that person was quickly leaving my sight.  Taking a deep breath, I get back on my feet and begin to run after her.

I finally caught up to her when she entered the hotel on the main street.  I was just about to step through the doorway, when I heard something that made me stop in my tracks.  

_I know you had to go away_

_I died just a little, and I feel it now_

_You're the one I need_

_I believe that I would cry just a little_

_Just to have you back now_

_Here with me_

Here with me 

Is that her singing?  She has the voice of an angel.  She plays the piano too?  I propped myself against the frame of the door, watching her, listening intently to every syllable that she sang.  

_I never will forget that look upon _

_your face_

_How you turned away and left_

_without a trace_

_But I understand that you did what you had to do_

_And I thank you_

_I know you had to go away_

_I died just a little, and I feel it now_

_You're the one I need_

_I believe that I would cry just a little_

_Just to have you back now_

_Here with me_

Here with me 

As she finished her song, she just sat there, sobbing quietly to herself.  I wanted to go to her, but I didn't know what to say, so I just waited until she noticed me.  As she wiped the tears from her eyes, she looked straight at me, saying nothing.  It was as if she was waiting for me to make the first move.

"Sorry, for before," I began awkwardly.  "I just need to know who you are."  She rose from her position at the piano and walked slowly towards me.

"You…you really don't know who I am, do you?" she sobbed, looking up into my eyes. 

"Sorry.  All I know is that I see you in my head, and I don't even know who you are."

"Squall, look at me.  Can you honestly say that you don't know who I am?"

"Why do you keep calling me Squall?  My name is Leon."

"No, no.  You're name is Squall Leonhart," she cried, throwing her hands to her head in frustration. 

"How have you been getting into my head?  What are you, a sorceress or something?"

"No, well, yes, but that has nothing to do with it.  I don't know what you're talking about.  What do you mean getting into your head?"

"So you're a sorceress."  I pulled out my twin pistols and aimed them directly at her head.  If there was one thing I had been taught since I came here, it was that a sorceress cannot be trusted, and they must not be allowed to walk free.

"Squall.  What are you doing?  You never cared about me being a sorceress before.  You accepted me for what I was, what I am.  What's happened to you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."  Is she crazy or something?  

"I'll prove it to you."  She took her purse out of her pocket and opened it, removing a piece of paper, which she handed to me.  On closer inspection, I found it to be a battered photograph.  Nothing spectacular, lots of people carry photographs with them.  However, what I saw on the photograph shocked me so much, I let my pistols drop to the floor, astonished by what was in front of me.  

She was on the picture, standing in an exquisitely decorated ballroom in a long, flowing red dress, which complemented the deep brown shades of her hair that cascaded over her shoulder.  What really shocked me, however, was the man who had his arm around her shoulders.  

It was me.

Admittedly, my hair was a little shorter than it is now, but it was definately me.  I was wearing some sort of uniform, military I guess, and I was smiling, actually smiling.  When was the last time I did that?

"Sit down," she ordered me, seeing how shocked I was at the photograph.

"When was this taken?" I asked.

"About five years ago.  It was a ball to commemorate the one year anniversary of the defeat of Ultimecia."

"Ultemicia?  The sorceress?"

"You don't remember that either?"  I shook my head, confused over what was to remember.

"It was us that defeated her.  Well, it was really you that defeated her.  You were a hero, the Commander of Balamb Garden."

"Garden?  That's where SeeDs are trained isn't it?"  Maron had always told me that SeeDs were terrible people, killing anybody for money.  And now, this stranger was trying to tell me that I was once a SeeD.  Why should I believe her?  Then again, there was the photograph, and the fact that I saw her with me.  Maybe I was seeing the past.

"You remember?"

"No, it's something somebody told me about.  Are you a SeeD?"  She laughed slightly, despite herself.

"No, I was never a SeeD.  I was your client for a time.  You took me with you when you fought Ultimecia.  I lived at Garden with you after that."

"With me?  You mean, we were…you know?"  That would explain why I saw her in my bed.  She nodded, once again breaking down into tears.  I could see how much I had hurt her by not being able to remember her.

"Is that why I can see you?"

"What do you mean?"

"The last few days, I…I've seen you in my head.  At first, I thought they were just dreams, but now…"

"What did you see?"

"I was alone at a dance in that ballroom."  I pointed to the photograph, sure that it was the same place.  "You dragged me onto the dance floor.  I wasn't very good at first, but you helped me.  I think the music was called Waltz for the Moon."

"So you can remember."

"That really happened?"

"That was the first moment we met.  I was sure you hated me for dragging you out there."

"I didn't hate you.  At least, I don't remember hating you."

"Can I ask you something?  Why does Maron think you're his son?"

"He doesn't really think that I'm his son.  He looked after me when I came here four years ago.  In fact, he was the one who found me."

"Found you?  Four years ago?  That was when you left."

"I left?"

"On a mission.  You…you never came back."  It was obvious that this still hurt her.  She couldn't look me in the eye when she said it.

"I left on a mission?"  My mind began to race.  If I was on a mission, wouldn't I have been in uniform?  Wouldn't I have I.D. with me?  Wouldn't I have a weapon with me?  Maron had never mentioned any of these things.  

Maron.

"Are you alright?" she asked.  "You…you look angry."

"Maron," I growled, leaving the hotel and heading through the streets towards his house.

A/N:  Thanks to CharlieGirl and Discordia the Goddess of Irony for pointing out some of the mistakes.  I'm sorry if the tenses don't seem to flow too naturally, it's just the style I write in, but I'm trying to improve on that at the moment.  I also have to apologise about putting 'me' instead of 'my' a lot.  That's down to the way I talk, as I'm from 'up North' and find it difficult sometimes to write in a different way than I talk.  Also, I'd like to say thank you to everybody who's reviewed this, and all my other fics, so far.


	9. Beneath the Lies

Chapter 8 

_Nobody speaks the truth when there's something they must have._

Elizabeth Bowen, The House in Paris

I had always been the one to see the darker side of Squall Leonhart.  Most people believed that he was cold, emotionless, but I knew differently.  His way of life had taken an undeniable toll on him.  In the weeks before he left Garden, I could tell that he was having more and more trouble keeping up his façade during the daytime, when he was working.  I was the one who he would come home to at night.  I knew how much stress he was under.  He would often come back in such a foul mood, angry at whatever foreign diplomat he'd had to meet and greet and be polite to.  Yet, however bad his mood, he had never lost his temper with me.  He'd just sigh, and force a smile at me, apologising for burdening me with his troubles.  Never had I seen him like this.

He was storming down the main street of Winhill, leaving me trailing in his wake.  I had to keep trying to remind myself that this wasn't the Squall I knew.  It was futile, however.  

During our conversation, I realised just how little he had changed.  His mannerisms were identical, as was his attitude.  It was only his memories that were different.

I stopped, suddenly in my tracks, as Squall halted and turned to face me, the look of anger being replaced by one of confusion.

"What did you say my name was?" he demanded.

"Squall," I replied patiently, guessing how difficult this was for him.

"No, my surname."

"Leonhart."

"L-e-o-n-h-a-r-t?" he asked.

I nodded as a reply.  "Why?"

"Because that's his name," he growled.

"Ah, Leon, you're home.  I see you met…"  Maron was cut off abruptly as Squall grabbed him by the collar, pinning him up against the wall.

"Squall," I shouted.  "You'll hurt him."  

Sure, I don't particularly like Maron, but he doesn't seem like he's a bad person.  I know how dangerous Squall can be when he isn't in a temper, so now, I was afraid for Maron's safety.

"Tell me the truth, Squall shouted, threateningly, ignoring my pleas for calm.

"What truth…I…I don't know what you're talking about," he protested.  

Squall released his grip on the frightened man, causing him to fall to the floor in a heap.

"I know you've been lying to me, about where you found me.  You know more about my past than you're telling me don't you?"

"No."

"Liar," Squall spat.  "You're nothing but a liar."

"You didn't need to know.  I saved you."

"Saved me from what."

I felt more than a little awkward stood there, in the middle of the argument.  I wasn't sure whether or not to leave, or whether it would be better for me to stay, to find out the real truth about what happened four years ago.  It was no contest.  I felt compelled to stay.

"I saved you from your terrible life.  You were a SeeD.  Nothing more than a lowly mercenary, only fighting for money."

"That's not true," I screamed.  "Squall's not superficial like that.  When I first met him, that was my opinion of mercenaries, but he changed that.  He didn't fight for money, he fought because that's all he had ever known."

"See, they're bred to be killers."

"No.  He changed.  He began to fight for his friends."  I turned towards Squall, looking directly at him.  "You…you fought for me."  

"I knew I recognised you.  You're the sorceress," exclaimed Maron.  "See what I saved you from?" he asked Squall.

"So it was true?  I did accept you as a sorceress."

"Fool," spat Maron.  This was the final straw for Squall.  He drew his pistols, aiming them at Maron's head, much to his horror.

"Tell me how I came here."

"I was fishing off the Esthar coast.  I saw two bodies on the shore.  I thought that both were dead.  I checked them, finding that one was indeed dead, but the other was alive."

"Me?"

"Yes.  You were wearing a SeeD uniform and carried a gunblade.  From your uniform, I could see you were the commander.  The ID I found only confirmed it.  I should have left you there to die."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because my sister loved you."  

I didn't understand was Maron was talking about.  Who was his sister?  And why would she love Squall?

"Our surnames.  Is that why they're the same?"

"Yes.  You're mother was my sister."

"Raine was your sister?" I asked, astounded.  "Then how could you ever let Squall be given away to the orphanage?"

"He's lucky I didn't drown him at birth.  He's the son of an outsider.  One who abandoned my sister with a child, offering no support or even word of where he was.  Everybody knew who his father was.  It was better that he was sent away.  Everybody hated that Loire.  His son would also be hated here."

"So you sent him away under the name of Leonhart?" I asked.  "To protect him?"

"You have to understand that I loved my sister.  She told me to take care of Squall, and I have done."

"You lied to me, you don't care for me.  I won't stay here any longer."

Maron looked at me.  "Could you leave us for a minute?"

That evening, Squall was sat in my hotel room, surrounded by a single bag, containing the only belongings that he wished to keep.  

"So what happens now?" I asked.  I needed to know whether he would even want to be around me, or whether he would just want to be alone from now on.

"I don't know.  I have to leave.  I can't spend any longer in this place. Maron said I could take the boat, but I have nowhere to go.  I don't even know where or how I used to live."  He held his head in his hands.  I was amused by the fact that he still did this whilst thinking.  I guess some things never change.

"Well, certain memories have come back to you, right?"  

"A few."

"They all involved you, though.  Never my time with SeeD."

I smiled, despite myself, relieved that he did have some recollection of me.

"You were a SeeD when you met me.  All your memories would have been from when you were a SeeD."

"There's so much I don't know about my own life."

"I can fill you in on the boat, but before we leave, I have something you need to see."

"Are you lost?" he asked me, frustration showing through in his voice.

"I'm not lost.  I wasn't sure where I was going in the first place."  

He still had elements of SeeD within him.  It seemed he was growing impatient with just wandering aimlessly.  As a SeeD, he had always needed a plan before going anywhere.  He would always have a map in his back pocket, even if we were only going for a picnic.  It would seem that old habits die hard.

"Why did you even set out if you didn't even know where we were going?"

"Because you really need to see this.  I've never been there, but you have.  That's why I'm not sure where it is."

We walked in silence for a few minutes, until I noticed the smooth marble slab rising up above the brow of a nearby hill.

"We're here," I told him.

He knelt down next to the marble slab, and wiped away the weeds that had grown over the previously spotless surface.  I was shocked to find that it was untended.  Laguna would always come here, but it looked like it had been abandoned for some time.  __

_I wonder if he's alright?_

"Raine Loire," Squall read, once all of the inscribed letters had become visible.  "My mother?" he asked.

I nodded, and walked a short distance away, sensing that this was a private moment for him.  I sat down gently on the grass, plucking a nearby flower from the ground.  

I thought about how long it had been since I held a flower.  I had always loved flowers, their fragility and beauty would fascinate me.  I tentatively sniffed at the petals, inhaling the sweet scent, bringing back memories of the flower field at Edea's orphanage.  It reminded me of the promise that Squall had made me.

"I'll be here…waiting…so if you come here… you'll find me…I promise."

I had waited there for him, during my darker days.  I felt sure that he would show up, after all, he had promised.  But after a while, it was clear that he wouldn't be there.  That was when I truly believed he was dead, when he broke that promise.   I suppose a part of him did die.  The part that knew and loved me. I tried to prevent a single, lone tear from escaping, but it was in vain.  It dripped onto the flower, running down the petal towards the tip, staining the deep crimson colour slightly.  

As an afterthought, I picked several more flowers, gripping the stems tightly in my hand.  I hadn't had any flowers for so long.  My room would always be brightened by their presence.  I loved them so much, Squall would buy me a different bunch every week, and smile at the look on my face as I received them.  After a while, it ceased to be a surprise, but the sentiment was still there.  He had bought me some the day before he left.  When I heard that he wasn't coming back, they withered and died.  At the time, I envied them.  I wanted nothing more than to do the same.

"Rinoa.  Why did she die alone?"

I rose from the ground, walking over to him.  I gently placed to flowers in my hand onto the gravestone.  It was fitting that she should have them.

"Rinoa?"

"Raine was the adoptive mother of an orphan named Ellone.  She met your father, Laguna, when he was an officer in the Galbadian Army.  She found him, badly injured and nursed him back to health.  Gradually, they developed feelings for each other.  One day, the Estharian military, under Sorceress Adel, invaded Winhill.  They kidnapped Ellone, after learning that she could see the past.  Laguna and Raine were both devastated by this.  Laguna, along with his old friends Kiros and Ward, set out to find Ellone.  It was shortly after they left that Raine discovered she was pregnant.  She had no way of contacting Laguna, and he didn't even find out that he had son until many years later.  Unfortunately, Laguna was unable to return to Winhill before you were born.  He had found Ellone, but could not allow the citizens of Esthar to live under the harsh rule of Adel.  He led the resistance movement who defeated her and was made President of Esthar.  He told me once that he had returned to Winhill shortly afterwards, only to find that Raine was dead.  Nobody told him about you.  I presume you had already been sent to the orphanage.  He returned to Esthar, and only found out about you when Ellone took him to see Raine's past.  He was devastated that he had missed out on so much time with you, and seen as you were a success at SeeD, he didn't want to ruin your life by trying to make contact with you."

"Have I ever met him?"

"Yes.  He commissioned us to defeat Ultimecia.  Afterwards, he revealed that he was your father.  You were upset at first, but you learned to live with the fact, and started to spend some time together.  You were working for him on your last mission."

"I don't remember any of this.  I mean, this place seems vaguely familiar to me, but I don't recall anything that you're telling me."

"Maybe you just need time.  Or maybe you should visit the places in your past.  They may trigger off some of your memories."

"Maybe.  That's what happened with the others."

"We should go to Timber first.  I have a lot of your belongings there.  Hopefully, it'll bring something back to you."

A/N  I have started editing this fic.  The Prologue and Chapter 1 have been completed.  The others will be done shortly.  Thanks to:

Rinoa Heartilly

Keiry

CharlieGirl

CTHKSI

Discordia the Goddess of Irony

Riona

Yunalesca78

LeopardDance

Star Slight

Rinoa Leonhart73

Hiasha


	10. Who Am I?

Chapter 9 

_I'm over it._

_You see I'm falling in the vast abyss,_

_Clouded by memories of the past,_

_At last I see._

Disturbed, Forsaken.

I looked over the side of the boat into the depths of the ocean, seeing my reflection staring back at me.  I seem different now somehow.  Maybe because I finally know the truth.  And the truth hurts.  

I was the thing I most despised.

For the last four years, Maron had continually drilled me on the evils of the mercenaries.  I had just accepted what he had told me.  I didn't even think for myself.  There's more than one side to every story, right?  

I mean, mercenaries can't be pure evil can they?  They can't just be driven by their desire for wealth and power.  I don't think I would have been able to live like that.  That's not me, not who I am.

_Who I am?_

_Maybe I was different back then?_

No, I wouldn't have been capable of that would I?  Rinoa, she had said that I fought for my friends and fought for her.  That doesn't sound too selfish does it?  Then again, she said I had changed.  Maybe, at one time, I was just a cold hearted mercenary.  How could I live with myself knowing that?

I have to have the answers to all my questions.  I need the truth about who I am.  I have to know.

I glanced over at Rinoa, hoping to ask her the myriads of questions that plagued my mind. I was just about to speak, when I stopped.

She was sleeping, looking so peaceful.  Despite my hunger for answers, I just don't have the heart to wake her.  I guess the gentle rocking of the boat from side to side must have eased her passage into sleep.  How can someone who seems so innocent be the object of fear for so many?  I'm not sure about anywhere else, but in Winhill, most people still fear the sorceress and her powers.  

"The only good sorceress is a dead sorceress," they would say.

I'm a fool to believe so many of their lies.  Either that, or I was a fool for accepting her before.  Somehow, I'm more inclined to believe the former.  After all, weren't we a couple at some point?  Well, that's what she told me.  I don't think she'd have any reason to lie.  From my dreams, or whatever they are, I think we were together.  From what I can gather, we shared the same room and I can draw my own conclusions from that.  And then, I saw us almost kissing.  Then again, I didn't see what happened afterwards.  She could have slapped me in the face for all I know.  

I tried to take my mind off the subject of Rinoa, a difficult task considering that she was only a few feet from me.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't ignore her.  

She stirred slightly, hardly making a sound.  She clutched her knees close to her chest and shivered slightly from the chill sea breeze.  Despite myself, I removed my jacket and placed it gently over her, being careful not to wake her.  She smiled at me, still asleep.  I shook my head.  What's wrong with me?

Rinoa woke with a start as the boat ran aground on the Dollet shoreline.  I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder and was about to step off the boat, when, as an afterthought, I decided to carry Rinoa's bags for her.  Guess a little politeness can't hurt.  I strode off, not waiting for her to catch up to me.

"Erm, Squall?  The train station's that way."

I turned around to see her pointing in the opposite direction from where I was heading.  Why had I even tried to find the station without knowing my way?

"I guess you don't remember this place then."

"I've been here?"  Nothing around me looked familiar.

"You took your SeeD exam here.  Passed with flying colours."

I struggled, trying to remember anything about this place, but it was to no avail.

"How about that building?" she asked pointing towards a tall, dark tower atop the hill just outside the town.  I thought I recognised it, but couldn't place it.

"Maybe.  It seems a little familiar, but I don't know where from."

"You're squad in the exam tracked a group of Galbadian soldiers to the communications tower.  You had some pretty tough fights up there, especially when your squad leader abandoned you."

Suddenly, staring at the narrow streets, overhung by houses on both sides, something came to me.

"I was chased through these streets down to the beach."

"So you do remember something," she said, entering a building, which I assume to be the station.  I took a look around, as she bought the tickets.  

The building was very old fashioned, in keeping with the rest of the town.  To me, the place seemed to be bustling with activity as people scurried about the platform.  

"If you think this is busy, you've not seen anything yet.  Not until you've been to Deling," Rinoa told me.  "Now, stop staring or else we'll miss the train."

When we were settled in our carriage and the train had begun its journey, I thought it would be a good time to probe the issue of my former life.

"Tell me about my past.  Why was I a SeeD?"  She looked at me as if she had been expecting that very question.

"You feel bad about it, huh?"

How did she know that?  Am I that obvious?  Or does she just know me better than I think?

"A little.  I've been told that SeeDs are these sorry excuses for human beings who live for nothing but money and power."

"Don't believe it.  You had no choice but to become a SeeD.  You couldn't stay in the orphanage forever.  A lot of orphaned children went to SeeD because it was the only place they could go.  You were one of them."

"Why did I fight?"

"Because you had to.  Because it was what you did best.  At least until the incident with Ultimecia."

"What happened then?"

"You once told me that that was when you first considered your life, your legacy.  Somebody you knew was executed and you just freaked out, saying you didn't want anybody to talk about you in the past tense.  You said that you didn't want to die without leaving something behind.  You wanted your life to matter."

"Doesn't everyone?"

"Before that time you didn't.  As much as you hated to admit, you liked having friends around, even though you weren't used to it."

"Tell me about my friends."

"All of them are SeeDs except for me.  Quistis used to be your instructor at Garden, Selphie and Zell are SeeDs sent with you on your first mission.  We met Irvine because a sniper was needed for the mission.  He's the best there is."

"I don't remember a thing about them," I screamed, exasperated.  

"Don't worry," she said, her voice adopting a soothing tone.  "I'm sure it'll all come back in the end."

"I hope you're right.  I can't bear the thought that I have a past I know nothing about.  I keep looking at your face, not knowing exactly who you are."  Her face fell at my last comment, and I mentally scolded myself for voicing my feelings so openly with someone who was little more than a stranger to me.  Fine, so she means more than a stranger, I think.  Truth be told, I don't know what she means to me.  Hell, I'm not even sure what she once meant to me.  

"Squall?"  

I'm not even sure what prompted me to ask the question, but as soon as it left my mouth, I regretted it.

"What did we have together?"

I could see that this question hurt her deeply.  She was trying to fight the tears that seemed inevitable.  Nice work, Squall.

"I can't tell you that."

I nodded, not wanting to hurt her further by asking for her reasoning behind this.

"It would kill me to know that you had forgotten everything."

"You know I remember some of it," I said, trying to comfort her.  What did it matter to her anyway?  She's probably found someone else by now anyway.  I can't imagine she'd have much trouble in that department.

"That does bring me some comfort, but you have to find out what we…had…for yourself."

"Alright.  I know how we met.  At the dance right?"

"Yes."

"What were you doing there if you weren't a SeeD?  And how did I meet you again?  I mean, you pretty much left me in the middle of a dance."

"Sorry about that.  I was at the graduation ball to look for your headmaster.  I caught sight of him during the dance and couldn't miss the chance of a meeting with him.  I know you were a little offended back then, but believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was to leave."

"So how did I meet you after that?"

"I was once the leader of a resistance group in Timber.  I hired SeeD to help liberate the town.  You were one of the SeeDs sent."

"And after that?"

"I told you.  I can't say.  You have to find the answers yourself," she whispered, clearly still upset.  I decided that the best course of action would be to drop the whole matter for the time being, despite still having so many questions I wanted to ask.  Apparently, we saved the world, defeated Ultimecia.  I don't remember any of it.  How could I forget something so important?  I knew Rinoa wanted me to leave her alone for the time being.  I would have to find my answers some other time.  

Fortunately for me, we were rescued from any uncomfortable silence as the train pulled into the station at Timber.  

Rinoa seems to think that a lot of the answers I seek are here.  I can only pray that she's right.


	11. Twists of Fate

Chapter 10

_The distance does not matter;_

_It is only the first step that is difficult._

Marquise de Deffand.

Diary of Quistis Trepe

4th May

To me, it seems ironic that I'm going to begin this entry in my journal by questioning why I do it in the first place.  It's a thought that I've been having for quite some time now.  Selphie came up with the whole idea before we fought Ultemecia.  We had just discovered that we had grown up together in Edea's orphanage.  It was quite a shock to find out that I had grown up with the others.  It seemed like fate that we had, once again, been thrown together by the twisted paths of destiny.  I know that we were all devastated to find that we had forgotten all of this, and I know that every single one of us was afraid of history repeating itself.  Despite the fact that we were fighting for our very existence, and the lives of all of those we held dear, we were happy.  We were happy because we had each other.  Our journey may only have lasted for a short time, but we discovered things about each other, and ourselves, that we could never have thought possible.  If there was one thing we were sure of, it was that we would stand together, fight together and survive together.  Fate had taken us that far.  Who would have thought that destiny could be so cruel as to abandon us when we least expected it?  Selphie's plan was that we would all begin writing our own journal, so that we could look back in many years time, and relive our time together, to ensure that all the memories we held close to our hearts would not be lost forever to the GFs.  Back then, we all wrote in our journals every day.  Even Squall had one.  As ashamed as he was to admit it, he, like the rest of us, didn't want that that time to end.  Obviously, the main reason he didn't want things to change was because of Rinoa.  He was by her side almost every hour of every day and I guess he was afraid that, when it was all over, she would just leave like so many had before her.  I realise that his change in heart was due to her intervention, but a part of me believes that the rest of us had a part to play in that too.  He did consider us his friends didn't he?  

That was a question I had often pondered.  When I was given the job of sorting through his belongings after the…accident…I came across his journal.  The temptation to read it burned strong inside me.  I wanted to know just how he felt about me.  Sometimes I thought he hated me, especially after he told me to 'go talk to a wall.'  I never really understood how he thought, he just wouldn't open up to me.  It was from there that my curiosity in his journal arose.  However, I knew I couldn't betray his trust.  That was private and I had no business reading it.  Besides, I might have read something that I would have been better off not knowing.  I'm certain I did the right thing when I handed the journal, along with the rest of his possessions, to Rinoa.  If Squall had wanted anybody to read it, it would have been her.  Yet somehow, I know that she didn't even open it.  She always had the greatest respect for Squall's wishes.  The idea of someone reading his most personal thoughts and fears would have horrified him.  She knew that too.  Reading through my own journal, I realised that there were so many private things that I wouldn't want anyone else to know.  That would have been the case with Squall too.  Even so, I could see the point of keeping one, at least back then, when we were all together.  I want to remember that time.  It would kill me if I ever forgot the happiest moments of my life, no longer separated from those who were once my students, thus meaning I could have no friendship with them.  Everything changed when I lost my teachers license, and it changed for the better.  I could be with my peers, instead of being ostracised from them by rank.  Yes, I want to remember that.

But this?  Do I really want to read my journal in years to come and remember what a sorry state my life's in right now?

Most people would call me a fool for my last statement.  After all, to them, I have the perfect life, great job, more money than I know what to do with, beautiful apartment.  But that's not what I want.  Four years ago, I had everything I could have desired.  Well maybe not everything, but near as dammit.  I still felt a slight tinge of sadness when I saw Squall and Rinoa together.  I could never shake off the thought of what might have been, yet deep inside, I know that we could never have had anything together.  I think it was just because seeing them emphasised my own loneliness.  I had nobody who was that close to me, but now I see that none of that mattered.  I had the most wonderful friends, they were a family to me.  For the first time in my life, I had a real family, not some foster family who wouldn't see me for who I was.

But then it all fell apart.

Damn you Squall Leonhart.

Why did you have to do this to all of us?

I know it seems slightly stupid to blame Squall for all of this, after all, I'm sure that given the choice, he would have chosen to survive that mission.  But it was him that caused everything to fall apart.  Maybe I'm just selfish because I feel the need to place blame in any situation.  I just refuse to believe that it was meant to be.  Or maybe it's because I now live every day of my life walking in his shadow.  As a Commander, there could be no better person than Squall.  I had no clue how challenging it was until I took over the job.  How did he do it?  He showed no outward signs of stress, which seems to be the main constituent of the job.  That's why I know that every day, people are saying, "She could never live up to Leonhart."  I never even tried to.  I don't know why, just because I took over the position of Commander, everybody assumed I was trying to take Squall's place.  That's something I would never do.  Nobody can take his place.

I'm the one who has to live with his legacy.  The legacy that keeps dragging me inexorably downwards, further and further from the person I was.  That is why I don't want to remember.  So why do I write?  

Maybe because today, I erased some of the mistakes I had made in my past.

I finally, after all these years, plucked up the courage to visit Rinoa.  

I took my first days vacation in four years and travelled to Deling.  It really brought back some memories, some good, some bad.  Unfortunately, standing at the door of Caraway's mansion brought back many of the worst memories I harboured.  I still felt terrible for shouting at Rinoa when all she was trying to do was help.  I said it was all a game to her, not realising until much later, how wrong I had been.  It was definitely not a game.

My visit to Caraway's mansion was slightly more pleasant than the one I had undertaken soon after Rinoa's departure.  I found Caraway slightly more forthcoming.  He admitted that during my previous visit, Rinoa was indeed staying there.  Apparently, she would not speak to anyone, especially not to me.  The phrase 'shooting the messenger' immediately sprung to mind, but I guess I can't blame her for not wanting to see me.  I had been the bearer of bad news and that would forever haunt me.  However, Caraway also told me that she was no longer in Deling.  She had left several years ago, and he had not heard from her.  He did seem concerned for her welfare, and I'm quite sure he blamed himself for her leaving a second time.

"I was so heartless towards her," he told me.  "I had said to her, forget about that Leonhart.  He was never any good for you anyway."

I have to admit, that probably wasn't the most tactful thing to say.  I can hardly blame her for leaving after that.  Still, he believed that, eventually she left because he was still so concerned about his work.  He told me to look for her in Timber and I had to agree that that was the most logical place to search for her. She had always loved that town.  As I was about to leave, he turned to me and said, "Promise me that if you find her, you will tell me that she is safe, and ask her to come and see me.  We have a lot to resolve."  Well, what else could I say but, 

"I promise."

She'll love me for that.  If she really does hate her father, I was sure to get caught in the crossfire.

That brings me to now, sitting on the express train to Timber, writing in my journal.  I want to remember that I tried to repent for all my sins.  For not telling her the truth.  As soon as I find her, I will tell her.  Before she left, I was ordered not to disclose the information to her, but now I'm the Commander, I'm under no such obligation of silence.  She has to know the truth.

She has to know how Squall died.


	12. Broken Promise

Chapter 11

_Four seasons in one day,_

_Lying in the depths of your imagination._

_Worlds above and worlds below,_

_Sun shines on the black clouds hanging over the domain._

Crowded House, Four Seasons in One Day

"Well, here we are," she announced, tentatively.  "Make yourself at home, I guess."  

I can tell that she still feels really weird about the whole situation.  I can't really blame her though, can I?  She spent the last few years of her life believing I was dead, and learning to deal with that.  It makes me feel kind of guilty.  I mean, I know it's not really my fault, it's not as if I can even remember leaving, but this still must be tearing her up inside.  All this just because I had the nerve to walk back into her life.

"Would you like some coffee?" she offered.

"No, thanks."

An uncomfortable silence followed, well uncomfortable for her, not me.  I've never understood why people always feel the need to talk when they're in someone else's company.  It's not as if they talk about anything important either, just the weather or their journey or something.  I mean, what's the point?  It doesn't get people anywhere.  I guess it's just because I hate small talk, I've never been one for conversation.  Even though, it was clear that I was making Rinoa uncomfortable with my silence.  I felt that I had to say something, even if it was only for her sake.

"So…do you live here on your own?"

"Yes" she replied.  

"How long have you lived here?"

"More than three years now.  Ever since I left my father's."  Her eyes were revealing a tinge of sadness, hinting at the fact that it was obviously an upsetting subject for her.

_Way to go Squall._

"Erm, you don't mind if I make myself a drink do you?" she asked.

I shook my head in reply.

"Sure you don't want me to make you a coffee?  It's no trouble, I'm making myself one anyway."

"I'm sure."  

_She looks like she needs something stronger._

I watched in amazement as she gulped down her coffee, almost in one mouthful.

"It's been a godsend these last few years," she explained.  "The cure for many a sleepless night."

I wasn't sure whether she was joking, or being deadly serious, so I said nothing, silence, in my opinion, always being the best ploy.

"Well, you better sit down."  She gestured towards a sofa on the other side of her apartment, which was covered with various magazines and newspapers.  "I'll just clear up a bit for you."  I followed her to the other side of the room, where she had already collected an armful of magazines.  As she turned to put them away, however, she dropped the bundle on the floor.

"Dammit," she cursed loudly.  I got down on my knees to help her clean up, only to find that she had done the same, causing our heads to clash.  

"You okay?"  I was immediately conscious of how close she was to me, her lips barely an inch from my face.  I could feel my heart beat quickening in my chest, pounding with some…some feeling.

_What in Hyne's name?  What is this?_

As I lifted my own eyes to meet hers, I saw something that frightened me, something I can't explain or describe. She moved inexorably closer to me.

What the hell do I do?  More to the point, what the hell is she doing? 

Still, she moved closer.  I didn't know whether I should stay rooted to the spot, or whether I should move.  She was so close to me now that I could feel her warm breath on my skin.  It was…intoxicating.  

_Hyne what am I thinking?  This isn't fair to her._

I got to my feet as fast I could, stumbling as I rose from my knees, trying to shake those feelings from my mind, unsure of what just happened.  I sat down on the sofa and tried to concentrate on reading one of the magazines, but it was to no avail.  I just couldn't stop thinking about how close we were.

Dammit Squall.  It's not as if you're with her anymore.  Hell, she's probably got another boyfriend anyway.  And what does it even matter?  You can't even remember who the hell she is.

I tried to talk some sense into myself, to some success.  I found myself actually studying the magazine closely, until something jumped out of the page at me.

"You wrote this?"

She nodded, not looking me directly in the eye.  I guess she must have been embarrassed.

Embarrassed or hurt.

"I don't usually keep anything I write, but that was the first piece I did that was published."

"Well, congratulations."  I didn't really know what else to say.  "I didn't know you were such a good journalist."

"Honestly, I'm not," she protested modestly.

"Whatever."

He laughed at my last comment.

What?  What is it?  What's so funny?

"I'm sorry," she said, as if she could read my thoughts.  "It's just something you always used to say."

"Still do."

"So I see."

At this, she exited the room, entering another, which I presumed to be her bedroom.  She returned carrying a large metal box that looked far too heavy for her to lift.  I would have offered her a hand but she seemed to be managing fine on her own.  She placed the box at me feet.

"Open it."

I obliged, looking at the contents of the box.  

The first thing I noticed was a picture that had obviously seen better days.  It showed Rinoa and I, together, smiling, in what looked like a flower field.

Flower field?  

That seemed important somehow, something seemed to click, as if another piece of the jigsaw was falling into place.

"What'll become of me?"  I looked across at Rinoa, puzzling at the question.  Although I was definitely in the same flower field shown in the photograph, it was certainly a different time.  Our clothes were different and I didn't feel as if I should be smiling.  It was as if there was a weight pressing down upon my soul, threatening to plunge me into darkness.

"Don't worry about it.  There have been many good sorceresses.  Edea was one.  You could be like her."

Good sorceresses?  Was this really me?

"But Edea's still…"  She paused.  "I can't guarantee anything, either, if Ultimecia possesses me again."

Ultimecia?  The sorceress?  So that was how Rinoa got her powers.

"You saw me…She controlled me in outer space and made me break Adel's seal.  What might happen next time?  What will I end up doing?  Will I end up fighting everyone?  Scary thought isn't it."

"Rinoa…even if the world becomes your enemy, I'll…I'll be your knight."

I was really thinking that.  I would have protected her no matter what.  I guess I was lied to about sorceresses.  I mean…she doesn't seem like a threat.  She said she was possessed right?  That it wasn't her?

"If I fall under Ultimecia's contol again…SeeD will come and kill me right?  And the leader of SeeD is you, Squall."

Hyne, I was supposed to kill her.  

"Squall's sword will pierce my heart.  I guess it's okay if it's you Squall.  Nobody else.  Squall if that ever happens…"

I could feel my anger boiling up inside me, raging at the suggestion she had just made.

"That's enough.  I'll never do anything like that.  The sorceress I'm after is not you, Rinoa.  My enemy is the sorceress of the future, Ultimecia."

"Ultimecia lives in the future and possesses me.  She uses my body as her extension into this world.  How, how will you save me?

I found a way.  I must have saved her.  That was all I wanted.

"I'll come up with something.  There's gotta be a way.  Don't worry.  Trust me."

"I trust you."  Those words.  They made me fill with happiness.  Suddenly I felt as if I could take on the whole world.  She trusted me.  "Well, until you find a way, maybe I should stay in Esthar."

"No, that'd be pointless.  I'd only end up going after you again.  Rinoa…just stay close to me."

I must have loved her.  Those feelings, before…were they fragments of the past.  Or maybe they were something else.

"Oh, those words."

"What?"

"That's what started everything."

Started things between us?

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't remember?"

Not a thing.

"Something I said?"

"Oh, just forget it."

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah.  Can I tell you a story?  I had a dream. It was a scary dream.  We make a promise. We promise to see shooting stars together.  I get dressed up and put on your ring.  But the thing is, I can't remember where I'm supposed to meet you.  I start to panic. I really want to see you, Squall, but I don't know where to go.  I start running through the mountains, the desert, the plains...through Timber, Balamb and Galbadia...When I realize I can't run any longer...I...I just want to see you so badly...So I scream, Squall, where are you?  Then I woke up. I was crying.  I'm sorry.  You don't have to say anything.  I just felt like I had to tell you."

"How about this?  I'll be here."

"Why?"

"The reason why you couldn't find me was because we haven't promised yet."

"Promised?"

"I'll be waiting for you, so if you come here, you'll find me…I promise."

I promise.

"I'll be here," I repeated, a little louder than intended.

"Why?" she breathed, expectantly.

"I'll be waiting for you, so if you come here, you'll find me…I promise."

She looked at me, disbelief registering on her features, a single tear flowing down her cheek.

"I waited for you," she sobbed.

"What?"  

Where did she wait for me?  Why?

"I waited, Squall.  I waited for you, where we made our promise.  You…you never came."

There was nothing I could say to comfort her, she was too distraught.  She must have gone through hell.  I know I meant what I said when I promised but…dammit, if I only I could've remembered that one thing.  This could all have been avoided.

"Sorry," I mumbled, knowing that it would be of no consolation to her, I just had to try and clear my conscience.  

"It's not your fault," she replied.  "Take a look at the rest of your things."

I studied the contents of the box, finding that it contained a weapon, which I recognised to be a gunblade of an extremely powerful variety, a few clothes, including a jacket that I liked the look of, a few little trinkets that I didn't have a clue about, a video tape, and a small, leather bound book.

"That's your journal," she said pointing to the book I held in my hand.  "Don't worry, I didn't read it."

I slipped it into my pocket, hoping to get some time to read it later.  Maybe these were the answers I was seeking.

"What's on the video?"

"It's from the party to celebrate our defeat of Ultimecia."

"Can I see it?"

She nodded, putting the cassette into the video and turning the TV on.  It flickered into life, showing the scene of a ballroom, littered with people, all surrounding a podium on which I was standing, looking incredibly nervous.  I shifted awkwardly in my seat, almost as if the nerved I had once felt were emanating from the tape and into me.  

"Erm, well…I'm not very good with words, so I want to hand over to the headmaster," I announced.

"No, speech, speech," screamed a girl wearing a yellow dress.

"Yeah, go Selph.  You tell him."   I presumed that voice came from behind the camera as I couldn't tell who it had come from.  

"Fine, well…congratulations to you all," I announced, before leaving the podium swiftly to a round of applause, accompanied by laughter.

The film continued for a few minutes, showing many people I didn't recognise, the girl in yellow, a guy in a cowboy hat, a tall, blond woman dressed in orange and somebody choking on a hotdog.  It was the end of the tape that really caught my attention.  Rinoa was on the balcony, pointing in the air, as if somebody was there with her.  Before I could see anything else, the tape ended, but somehow, I still knew how it ended.

I walk over to her, put my arm around her waist and kiss her.

The realisation hit me.  We really were together once.  More than that, but I really did like this woman.

I…I think I love…no.  Stop thinking, Squall.  Just stop thinking.

"You…you remember, don't you?"

I nodded.  I couldn't say anything.  I was too shocked.  Thankfully, I was saved from any further awkward moments by a knock at the door.  Rinoa got up to answer.

"Rinoa.  It…it's been too long," I heard a voice say.

"Quistis?"

Quistis?  She was one of my friends, right?

"I'm sorry for just turning up like this, your father told me you were in Timber, so I made a few enquiries and found you here.  There's something I need to tell you."

"No, Quistis," Rinoa interrupted.  "I have some pretty big news."

"Please, I need to tell you this.  It's important.  I need to tell you the truth about Squall.  I couldn't tell you before you left, I was under orders and I hope you can forgive me.  He was…he was killed by…"

"Go on," Rinoa urged.

"Well, the leader of the rebels was…was…"

"Just tell me dammit."

"Seifer."

Seifer?

A/N:  Thanks to everybody who's reviewed so far.  Just to clear up any confusion, Quistis' diary is written in the present.  Also, the other characters will be putting in an appearance soon.


	13. Reminiscance

Chapter 13

_And I still find it so hard,_

_To say what I have to say,_

_But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me,_

_Just how I should feel today._

Blue Monday, New Order

"Rinoa?"  I could hear her shouting my name at the top of her voice, but nothing was registering.  I may have been standing right next to her at that exact moment in time, but my mind couldn't have been further away.

_Seifer?  He's still…alive?_

I hadn't thought about him in the last four years, my mind completely occupied with thoughts of Squall.  I felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over me.  How could I not have thought about him once?  He used to be such a huge part of my life, in ways both good and bad.  

I think, maybe, that I was the only one of us that didn't begin to hate him.  I just couldn't bring myself to.  Every time I saw him, I couldn't shake the thoughts that resurfaced about the summer we spent together.  Sure, I knew that the Seifer standing in front of me, at the right hand side of Edea was not the Seifer I had once known, but did I hate him?  

_No._

I knew deep down that he would have loved to see me die, but even when he sacrificed me to Adel, I only felt pity for him.  He would have hated that, I know, but then, I understood what it felt like better than anyone else.  After all, I had been under Ultimecia's spell too.  I think Seifer did what he did retaining some semblance of free will, but even so, he wasn't himself.  

The Seifer I knew was always a bit…mixed up I guess.  He had a major problem with authority, which was why I was attracted to him in the first place.  I know that must sound terrible, and I'm not even going to try and make excuses for it.  I was with him to get back at my father.  How immature was that?  Even so, I did feel that he was my soulmate at the time, he was the free spirit that I longed to be and he really did make me feel like I could take on the world.  Without him, there's no way I would have plucked up the courage to fight for Timber's independence, no way I would have gone to the SeeD ball, no way I would have met Squall.  

Even though we were enemies for a time, I still had a lot to thank Seifer for.

I think I was unique in that respect.  Quistis thought that Seifer was the reason she lost her teaching liscence, Zell hated him for the years of constant bullying even though he regarded Seifer as 'one of us,' Selphie never really forgave him for leaving them in the exam, and to Irvine, he was just another enemy.  Squall on the other hand…?  I never really knew what Squall thought about him.  It was kind of a touchy subject with him being my ex and all, but I did always want to set the record straight.  It wasn't serious and it didn't even get very far.  I wished I could've told him that before all this happened, I'm sure he always thought we were something we weren't.  I guess it's because I said I thought I loved him, but that wasn't the truth.  If you have to think about love, then you're not in love.  I know now that it's something that you just _feel_ in every fibre of your being.  You can't explain it, you can't classify it, it just _is._  When I said that I thought I loved Seifer, what I was actually saying was that I didn't love him, I was just feeling emotional.  I'd just been told that he'd been executed after all, I wasn't thinking straight.  Neither was Squall.  That was what first made me think that he didn't hate Seifer.  They were rivals, that was undisputable, but did that mean that they had to hate each other?  

No, I don't think so.  Sometimes it seemed like Squall knew Seifer better than any of us, and maybe he even understood him.  They were both raised in the same environment, in identical ways, but somehow, they still ended up being complete opposites.  Ironic that I fell for both of them, don't you think?  

I guess there were some similarities between them, though. They both had an elevated sense of pride, sometimes, it felt as if nothing else mattered to either of them.  That's what caused Seifer to pick on Squall.  Squall was the only person who could rival him, which meant that Seifer felt he had to prove himself constantly, and Squall…well, Squall was always too proud to back down.  That's why what Quistis just told me made no sense whatsoever.

Squall and Seifer were always fighting, that much was true, but they would never take it that far, would they?  Emotions may have boiled over, tempers may have flared, but still, would they fight to the death?  Knowing the both of them, I'm not so sure.  I get the feeling that they'd much rather let the other live with the humiliation of their defeat, then end their life.  Maybe things changed.

"Rinoa."  

I felt two hands being placed on my shoulders, shaking them roughly, bringing me crashing back to reality.

"Rinoa, are you alright?"

I nodded, dumbly.  Not quite knowing what else to say.

"I'm so sorry that I haven't tried to speak to you these last few years.  They must have been very difficult without him."

"He's alive, Quistis."  I couldn't think of what else to say.

"Rinoa.  Eventually, you'll have to accept it.  I mean, it's been so long since it happened that there really is no hope of finding him…"

"Quistis.  Listen to me.  He's alive.  I found him."  She gave me a disbelieving look, as if I was making this up to help me sleep soundly at night.  "I'm telling the truth."  As if to back me up, Squall stepped behind me, causing shock to register on Quistis' face.

"You…you're not dead?" she babbled.

"It would seem not," he replied, coolly.  It seemed to me as though he didn't remember a thing about her.  She stood there, dumbfounded, until I felt the need to ask the question that had been yearning to escape from my lips.

"Seifer?"  Quistis shook her head.

"Seifer's was the body found on the shore, dead."

_He…he's really…dead?_  

It took a moment for this to sink in.

_Dead?_

"We assumed that he had murdered Squall, as we found Lionheart on the sand nearby."

"How?  How did he…?"

"Gunshot wound in the back," she replied.

_He was shot?  By Squall? But, that doesn't make any sense._

"I'm so sorry, Rinoa."

_Those words.  Those words I despised so much._

"Sorry?  You're sorry.  You didn't tell me four years ago that Seifer was dead and you're sorry?"

"But, I came to tell you how Squall died.  I thought you deserved to know."

"Yes, I did.  Four years ago!"

I was becoming more and more angry.  She actually had the audacity to come here after four years of hearing nothing, and just expects to be friends again after she'd been lying to me.  Painful memories came flooding back to me.  It had been _her_ that had given me the news of Squall's death.  She had lied.  Would she ever stop?

"Get out," I snarled.

"But…Rinoa?"

"Get out," I screamed, slamming the door in her face, before I broke down into tears.

Tears for Squall, tears for Seifer, tears for the life that I had missed out on.

I finally calmed down about an hour later, mainly due to the fact that Squall kept handing me steaming mugs of coffee.  I could tell that he was dying to ask about Quistis.  He wouldn't know who she was or why I had thrown her out.

Why did I throw her out?

Did I really blame her for telling me that Squall was dead?  After all, that was what she herself believed.  Maybe I just needed somebody to vent my anger on and she was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I guess I wasn't even really angry at her, more at fate and destiny and whatever else had thrown me down this path of heartache in my life.  

"I guess you want to know about her?" I asked Squall, who nodded in reply.  "She was your instructor at Garden.  For years she was in love with you but you didn't even look twice at her."

"Oh."  

Was that all he was going to say?  

"What about Seifer?  I feel something when you mention his name.  I feel…I don't know…angry."

"You know your scar?" I asked as I ran my finger down my forehead, tracing the path of damaged skin.  "You got that off him.  He's got an identical one, running the opposite way.  You were rivals all your life."

"Then why don't I feel as if I hate him?"

"I don't think you do.  At least, you never mentioned hating him, it never went beyond you both trying to better the other."

"Then why were you so bothered about him?"

This was the question I had been dreading.

"Because, I…cared for him."  I winced as I said it.  That sounded really bad.

"You mean…?"

"We were dating once, yes.  Before I met you.  In fact it was because of Seifer that I met you."

"You loved him then?" 

I was shocked that Squall would ask such a forthright question.  Truth be told, it threw me off guard slightly.  This time, however, I wasn't going to make the same mistake.

"No.  We were friends, yes, but it never really got further than that.  We were never serious."

There, I said it to him.

_I actually said it._


	14. Blame

Chapter 13

Always the one who has to drag her down,

_Maybe you'll get what you want this time around._

_Can't bear to face the truth,_

_So sick, he cannot move._

_The trick is to keep breathing._

Garbage, The Trick is to Keep Breathing.

Rinoa had left the apartment, muttering something about apologizing to Quistis.  She said she was "upset about Seifer" and that "people do funny things when they're upset."  I guess she's right, look at what I did to Maron.

Now, looking back on things, I don't hate him.  Sure, I wish he had told me the truth about everything, but at the same time, in his position, I think I would've done exactly the same.  Everything appears different with the benefit of hindsight, though.  At the time, I was prepared to pull that trigger.  I didn't know what had come over me, it was as if it wasn't me in control anymore.  I couldn't think straight, I couldn't reason with myself.  Anything could've happened I was that angry.  I guess it was the same with Rinoa and Quistis, though perhaps not to such a violent extent.  We've both been lied to these last four years, and I'm guessing that we both feel the same way about it.

Sighing, I open the book on my lap, brushing the dust off the cover in the process.  I had been waiting for some privacy so that I could read my journal.  I needed to know just who Squall Leonhart really was.  I turned over to the first page and began to read.

This is just stupid.  What am I even writing for?  Why did Selphie have to come up with this idea?  

That didn't exactly surprise me.  I can't imagine that I was too receptive towards the idea of a journal at first.  Still, I must have persevered as there were many more entries for me to read.

Sorry Selphie, I guess I just didn't see the point in writing this before, but something happened to make me change my mind.  Actually, it's not a something, it's a someone.  When we set off to see the orphanage we all grew up in, we had no idea that the trip would turn out to be so dangerous.  I guess I should have seen it coming after all we've been through so far.  Still, I had no way of knowing that Galbadia Garden would be there, waiting for us.  At first, I wondered how they knew where we would be heading, but then I realised.  

_Seifer must know._

_Seifer must remember everything.  The orphanage, the fireworks, Sis._

_He remembers, and still he wants to fight._

_Sure, I've never really liked Seifer, we've been far from friends, but when I fought him for real in Deling, something stirred within me.  Guilt?  Pity?  I'm not sure. All I knew was that I wanted to be as far away from there as possible, that I didn't want the fight to happen.  I knew he wouldn't kill me, he'd have far too much fun gloating over my victory, but the fight still felt…real.  It didn't feel like it did during training, not that we went easy on each other or anything.  Far from it.  I've got the scar to prove it.  So does he.  Still, in training, there was no malice behind his actions, just desire to prove he was the best.  On Deling, I could sense the malice each time he brought his gunblade down on my own.  He hated me.  He actually hated me.  But still, this was nothing compared to the fact that he wanted to fight knowing that we all grew up together.  As Zell would put it, "he was one of the Orphanage Gang."  _

_And it meant nothing to him as he fought us in Garden.  He wanted to kill each one of us.  It was as if he had stopped caring for everything except his stupid obsession with power and the sorceress.  Was this the romantic dream that he had once told me about?  How could it be?  He was a puppet, controlled by Edea with no free will of his own.  This couldn't be his dream.  _

_It may seem stupid writing all this down because it's what I think about.  I know it so why the hell would I want to read about it?  Sure, I won't want to be reading my journal anytime soon, but something could happen.  _

_She's taught me that much._

_Right now, I'm sat in the infirmary.  It seems to be where I spend most of my time now, just sitting, watching, hoping.  All this had been a valuable lesson to me in the fragility of life.  One minute she was there, fighting alongside us, so full of life.  The next, she was passed out on the floor, lifeless. Seeing her now makes me question some of the decisions I made. _

_Why did I let her come with me?_

_I should have left her somewhere safe, Fisherman's Horizon maybe.  In any case, I should not have let her accompany me.  It didn't seem quite so wrong before, when I was able to protect her.  But this time…this time I was helpless.  I couldn't do a thing to help her.  And why?  _

_Because I was stupid enough to act on my emotions for once.  _

_I let her come with us, because I like her.  Sure, we argued at the beginning, but over time, the arguments became less frequent and we started to talk more.  There was one thing that came over in our conversations, and that was the fact that she hadn't given up on me, even though I was so cold to her for a long time.  I have to thank her for that, I'd never known that feeling before.  I'd never know a lot of feelings before I met her.  And now, will I ever be able to feel them again?  Will I ever hear her voice or see her smile?  It shocks me when I realise just how much I have changed, how much she has changed me.  She's done so much, and now, do I have to just let her go? _

_No._

_Not without a fight._

_If all these recent events have taught me one thing, it's that there is always hope.  Maybe that hope is all I have left, but at least it's something._

I slammed the book shut as I heard the door open.  Looking up, I saw that Rinoa had returned.  It was then that I saw something strange.  Why hadn't I noticed it before?

"Your necklace."  She seemed to feel a little awkward when I mentioned it, but she came and sat next to me, holding her necklace for me to see.

"This was my mother's ring," she told me.  "She gave it to me when she died."

"And the other."

"This is Griever, your ring.  You used to wear it all the time."

I ran my finger around the cool, rough, silver band, taking in all the contours around its surface.  As I did so, I began to remember something.  

I was stood outside with Rinoa, surrounded by intense fighting and the sound of dying SeeDs.  She seemed strangely unperturbed by this, choosing to focus on thanking me instead.

"I have something very important to you.  I can't die until I give it back to you, right?" she asked.  "Zell gave it to me, see?  I've been holding onto it."

"That's my favourite ring.  You'd better give it back."

I was going to kill Zell for this.

"I'm sure it is.  It's a cool looking ring.  What's the monster on it anyway?"

"It's not a monster, it's a lion.  Lions are known for their great strength and pride."

"Hmmm…great strength…pride…kinda like you, Squall."

Just what was she getting at, she looked kind of nervous.

"I wish…"

"Hmm…so this lion of yours.  Does it have a name?"

"Griever."

"So that's what you call it.  You know, Zell said he'll make me one exactly like it.  Who knows, maybe I can become like a lion too.  That'd be crazy, huh?  I mean everyone might, y'know, get the wrong idea about us."

Crazy?  Then why does she sound so delighted?

"You sound like you want everyone to get the wrong idea."

"No-no-no-no-no-no."  

With that she ran off into the nearby building.

She never did give me the ring back.

Suddenly, the scene changed.  We were in a desert, behind us, a large, red, fierce looking spaceship, ahead, a group of official looking men in long, flowing robes.  Rinoa began to leave with the group of officials.  I'm not sure why, but it was tearing me up inside.

"Rinoa.  Don't go," I screamed after her.

"Thanks, Squall, but I have to," was her solemn reply.

Rinoa.

"…Squall, I still have your ring."

"You keep it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."  With that she left.

It's yours, I want you to keep it with you always, so no matter what happens, you'll always have a piece of my heart with you.

"It's not my ring.  It's yours now and it always will be."

"You mean that Squall?" she asked expectantly.

"Yes, I need you to keep it."

"What for?  Why do you want me to keep it?"

How was I supposed to answer that?


	15. Acceptance

Chapter 14

_Don't turn away,_

_I pray you've heard_

_The words I've spoken._

_Dare to believe for one last time._

Disturbed, Darkness.

How was I supposed to answer that?

What was I supposed to tell her?  That I wanted her to keep it?  I wanted her to have a little piece of me with her at all times?  That I still…

"Squall?" she prompted, waiting anxiously for an answer.

"I gave it to you, remember?"

How stupid did that sound?  Of course she remembered.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, you should keep it.  It's yours now."

"Thank you," she squealed in delight, throwing her arms around me.  I just didn't know how to react.  I wasn't used to this kind of thing, after all I've spent the last four years trying to avoid as much human contact as I could, and now…now I find myself in this impossible situation.  Should I throw her off me or what?  

Tentatively, I placed my arms around her, still unsure of quite what I was doing.  Her eyes seemed to light up in surprise as I held her close to me and she looked up at me, smiling.

Hyne, that smile.  That perfect, angelic smile.  It was the same smile that I remembered from the dance, the same smile that captured my heart and made it melt.

_Look away Squall.  Look away._

I couldn't let her see the effect she was having on me.  My heart was pounding so quickly in my chest that I felt certain she could hear every beat.  What was this I was feeling?  

I didn't know, and I wasn't sure I was ready to find out so I pulled away from her slowly, trying not to offend her too much.

Bad move.  She looked up at me, hurt showing in her eyes as she awkwardly moved even further away from me, not wanting to be around me at this particular moment in time.  Not that I can blame her.

"Erm, I think I'm just going to go for a shower," she muttered before hurrying out of the room, not even giving me a chance to reply.  It was obvious that this was just an excuse to get the hell away from me.  This must be having more of an effect on her than I thought.

Or maybe it's because I didn't really think about what this must be doing to her.  All this time I've only been thinking about myself, about how I feel and about how everything in my life has just fallen apart.  Why didn't I ever stop and think that she must be feeling the same way?  Someone who she thought had died four years ago walks straight back into her life, and I didn't think that it must be a little weird for her.  How selfish am I?  

And now I've hurt her and she's avoiding me.  Part of me is saying, _why should I care?  You're not a part of her life anymore and she's not a part of yours.  Just leave and be done with it.  _Another part is telling me, _go to her, comfort her, apologise for all you've done wrong.  She's the most important thing in your life after all._  

Of course she is. She's the only part of my life I have any sort of connection to, the rest are just fragments of memories jumbled up in the recesses of my mind.  Only my memories of her make any sort of sense, they're the only ones I can really understand, the only ones with a time and a place.  When I saw Quistis before, something definitely clicked, but all I saw were quick flashes of events, nothing coherent.  I saw a classroom in which I was sat behind a desk, and then the scene changed to a dark, gloomy cavern, but what they meant, I had no clue at all.  I couldn't even see Quistis there, it was all so vague.  Not at all like my memories of Rinoa.  I can even picture every little detail of our dance, every piece of furniture in our room.  It's almost as if she was the only thing I ever thought about, the only thing that was important to me.  

Maybe she still is.  I know that she's the only link I have to my past, and maybe she's the only way I'm going to find out about the real Squall Leonhart, but maybe there's more than that.  I'm not sure but I think I've actually started to enjoy her company.  That's why I felt guilty when I pulled away from her wasn't it?  It can't just have been because of my own selfish desires to discover my past can it?  

No, I like being with her.  I've grown so accustomed to being on my own that just talking to her is a new experience for me.  It feels good to have company instead of being trapped within my self-imposed solitude.  

_What am I thinking?_

_Me?  Liking company?_

_What's happened to me?_

There was only one answer I could find.

_Her._

I sighed, trying to remove all thoughts of her from my head.  They only make me confused and unsure of myself.  That's the last thing I need right now considering that I'm not even sure who I am.  I opened the only thing that could possibly offer me any distraction, my journal.

I can't quite believe that I'm here.  How did we make it this far?  So many times it seemed as though it were all over, but now here we are, preparing to face her once and for all.  Whether this will be the last entry in my journal I'm not sure.  Either we kill her or she kills us.  The time for games is over.  

_I wish I could be with everyone now.  After all, this may be the last time we ever get to spend time together, but well, I just can't tell them how I feel.  They're probably all there on Ragnarok's bridge saying how much they care for one another and how they're sure everything will turn out alright and I can't do that.  I have to face the truth.  Everything might not turn out alright.  Somebody very special once told me that nobody can predict the future, and she's right.  It's for her that I'm writing this._

_When I went to her in space I felt closer to her than I ever have to another human being.  I could hear her calling out to me, and it wasn't her voice she was calling with, it was her heart.  She called out to me with her heart and I heard every word of it.  That was the first time I faced up to my feelings for her and realised just how much she meant to me.  Would I have jumped out into space after Quistis or Zell?  I doubt it.  But I did for her.  _

_We talked for so long on the ship.  I think that it was the longest conversation I've had with anybody, and if not, it was certainly the most meaningful.  I've never poured my heart out to anybody before and she just listened to me.  She actually listened to everything I had to say.  But then I found out the truth._

_The truth about her._

_She's become a sorceress._

_She's become everything I've been trained to hate and despised.  She's become everything I've been trained to kill.  But there's something even more frightening._

_I don't care._

_She could become the world's enemy and I just wouldn't care._

_Letting her go to the Sorceress Memorial was the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  And I chose wrongly.  I let her go.  I'm so grateful to everyone else for talking me into getting her back.  The moment when she ran out of the sealing chamber and I held her was one that I'll remember for the rest of my life, however long or short that might be.  It's brief moments of happiness amongst this whole mess that have made these times the best of my life._

_And when we made our promise in the flower field, I knew that there would be many more moments like that to come.  _

_I just wish that I could have finished what I was trying to say then without the interruption from Esthar.  I needed to tell her what I had come to realise, I needed to tell her how I feel.  This is why I'm writing everything down, in case I don't come back and she gets the chance to read it.  In fact, I'm going to make her take it with her, then if I am killed, she can know the truth.  Now just doesn't seem an appropriate time to say it.  It'll just sound as if I'm trying to make her feel better because these could be the last few moments of both of our lives.  I want it to sound genuine because it is.  It's the truth, I mean it.  What I needed to tell her back then was,_

_Rinoa.  I love you._

I loved her.  

I really did love her.  

Something tells me that I should be surprised, shocked even, about it, but I'm not, I expected it.

Maybe it's because I understand how I must have felt back then.  I understand, because…

"Squall?"  Rinoa exited the bathroom, interrupting my train of thought.  "I'm sorry for storming off like that before."

"It's alright."

"Good," she replied smiling, making her way across the room to sit down.

"And Rinoa?"

"Yes."

"I…I'm sorry.  I'm truly sorry for…for everything."


	16. Closure

Chapter 15

_These wounds won't seem to heal,_

_This pain is just too real._

_There's just too much that time can not erase._

Evanescence, My Immortal.

He said sorry.  He actually said those two little words.  The Squall Leonhart I'd once known would never have done that.  

In some ways, Squall now seems exactly the way he always he was.  He still seems to brood a great deal and he always tries to keep things to himself, but in some ways, he's changed so much.  He's much easier to read than when I first met him.  I can see how hard he's taking the whole situation, struggling to remember fragments of his past and searching for his own identity within his memory.  It's so obvious to me, but I just can't pluck up the courage to talk to him about it.  I guess I'm afraid that he'd run a mile if I made an effort to discuss his innermost feelings.  I know he'd hate it if he knew that I could tell how he was feeling just by looking at him.  I can still remember that night at Fisherman's Horizon, just after he had been promoted, when I tried to get him to open up a little by pointing out how he feeling lonely and isolated, and how he'd probably try to handle everything on his own.  He completely freaked out and did whatever he could to get the hell out of there.  That was the one thing I'd known him to run from.  I really don't want the same thing to happen now.  Maybe if I could just make him understand that I can only read him like a book because I've had so much practice in the past, and after all, it was him that let me into his heart.  I can't just forget all of that.

"Rinoa?"  I had been lost for so long within my own thoughts that I had forgotten that Squall was still there, and probably waiting for a reply.

"You have nothing to apologise for," I whispered in reply.  

It was the truth.  None of this was his fault, there was no blame to be taken by any party concerned.

"No, there is.  I've been so caught up with finding out who I really am that I didn't consider your feelings."  He was nervously twiddling with his thumbs and did everything he could to avoid direct eye contact with me.  It must have taken him a great deal of courage for him to say that.  "It must be so difficult for you to just accept me again after you thought I'd died."

"Squall, you don't have to say any of this."

"Yes, I do.  It's important.  You must think that I was heartless not to know how you felt, but that's not the truth.  I've only just realised the way I felt about you before all this happened.  It seems nothing could suppress that memory for long.  So, I can see how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry for not understanding until now.  Erm, now you can speak if you want," he added nervously.

Believe me, I wanted to.  I wanted to tell him just how beautiful that was, and how everything would be alright in the end.  I needed to tell him how much I still felt for him.  Even after all these years, my feelings for him haven't died.  To tell the truth, they're stronger than ever.

So why couldn't I tell him?  

I never had this problem before.  I can't count the number of times I said _I love you_ in the past.  Why was this different?

Maybe because it would feel like the first time I had told him, or maybe because it would be as if we were starting all over again from the very beginning.   Or maybe because I don't think he will be able to return those feelings.  At least, not now.  I still haven't quite given up the hope that he may grow to love me once more with time.

Who am I kidding?  We ended four years ago, right?  Sure, I never got over it, but that doesn't mean that we could try again.  Fate itself seems to be against us, so who am I to argue?

"What are you thinking," he asked gently.

He wants to know what I'm thinking?  There's no way I can tell him.  He already feels awkward as it is, I don't need to go and make him feel worse by telling him how I still love him.  

Thankfully, I was rescued from my dilemma by the ringing of my phone.  I picked the receiver up off the wall, praying that it would not be the office asking why the hell I hadn't reported back from Dollet.  All of this has pushed work to the very back of my mind, it just isn't a priority anymore.

"Hello."

"Hi, Rinoa."  To my relief, it wasn't anybody from work.  It was Quistis.  We had worked things out earlier, come to a truce if you like.  I still couldn't forgive her for lying to me, but I guess I understood why she did it, and I can see how hard it is for her to try and fill Squall's shoes as Commander.  "I just wanted to tell you that I got in contact with Garden and they said that they would come here to pick the both of you up.  You don't mind do you?"

"Mind?  No, of course not."  To tell the truth, it was the last thing I wanted, but I knew that it would be helpful for Squall, so I acquiesced, putting his best interests at heart.

"Good.  Everybody will be so thrilled to see the both of you again.  The place hasn't been the same since you left.  Anyway, if you could wait at Obel Lake tomorrow morning, you'll be picked up as soon as possible.

"Obel Lake?  Why so far away?"

"We've found that the sight of Garden right outside a town sometimes cause panic amongst the residents.  It's better this way."

"Alright, we'll be there."

"Good.  Now I have to go and catch up on some paperwork I'm afraid.  I'll see you tomorrow, though.  Bye."

"Bye, Quistis."  I hung the phone back up, sighing.  I was dreading this.

"What did she want?" Squall asked, obviously curious as to the nature of the conversation.

"We'll meet Garden tomorrow morning and stay there for a while."  He nodded, as if he had been expecting this.

"I guess it might bring something back."

"That's what I was hoping."

"You don't want to go do you?"  It seems that he still knows me fairly well, too.

"Is it that obvious."

"Even to me."

"It's just, well, that was in my past, you know?  I just walked out without even saying goodbye.  Nobody there will be able to forgive me."

"Quistis did."

"Well, I guess that's just because she did something worse.  She didn't have any other choice but to forgive me for running out.  There's so many other's there that won't accept my reasons.  They'll just think I'm selfish for doing that, and they'll hate me.  Four years ago, I made a choice.  I chose to leave Garden, leave my friends, and leave my life.  It wasn't that I really wanted to, I just thought it would be better for everyone that way.  I can't go back on that decision now."

"I don't blame you for not wanting to stay there, but, couldn't you just look upon this as a way of getting closure.  You still feel guilty about leaving without saying goodbye, right?"  I nodded.  "So use this opportunity to say goodbye."

"I don't want to have to say goodbye to you, though.  These last few days have been the happiest I've had for a long time."

"Who says I'll be staying there?"

"I assumed you'd want to.  I mean, they'll probably offer you the position of Commander back, especially if Garden does help to bring some of your memories back."

"It doesn't mean I'll want to stay there.  I feel as if I've never even been there before, so I'm sorry, but I just don't know what I'll do in the end.  I can't make that decision yet."  I guess that made sense.  It was strange that he was clearly feeling less confused that I was.  It shouldn't be like that.  I should be the one helping him through this, instead of the other way round.  How is it that he can look upon the world with clarity when I feel as if I've had a shroud pulled over my eyes.  What if everybody at Garden does react badly to me going back?  I know that they'll worship Squall as a returning hero, that was never in question.  But me?  Maybe they'll be glad to see me but I doubt it.  I'm most afraid of Selphie's reaction.  We were such good friends.  She'd always be the one I'd go and talk to.  Quistis was always too busy, and you couldn't get a serious opinion from Zell and Irvine.  She was even the one that tried to comfort me after Squall's supposed death.  What must she think of me?  I know that I'd have been hurt if she had just left without a word, so I can imagine how she must feel about me.  I know that she's not usually the sort to let anything bring her down, but she's always relied on her friends.  That was what I was supposed to be, a friend.  I betrayed her trust, and threw away her friendship.  How could she ever accept me back?  

"You know, if we've got an early morning tomorrow, you should really go to bed and get some sleep," Squall told me. He must be able to tell how worries I am about all this.  "It'll do you good."  He must have been hoping that it would make me forget about all of my problems.

"Okay, I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah.  Get some rest and you'll feel much better tomorrow."

Yeah, right.  Something tells me I won't be able to sleep tonight.


	17. Insomnia

Chapter 16

_Emptiness is filling me,_

_To the point of agony._

_Growing darkness taking dawn,_

_I was me, but now he's gone._

Metallica, Fade To Black

No matter how hard I try, I just can't sleep.  For some reason, there's always something holding me back.  I was too cold, then too warm, my pillows weren't comfortable, and then the moonlight, which streamed through the gap in between my curtains was just too bright.  There's nothing that I can do.  The longer I stay awake, the more I begin to think about everything that's been happening, and the more I think about it, the harder it becomes to sleep.  The events of the last few days have been playing on my mind so much that I'm not too sure I'll ever sleep again.

_I wonder if he's sleeping._

All my thoughts seem to lead back to one source…Squall.  

_What might he be thinking right now?  How does he feel about being here?_

I can only just begin to comprehend what life's like for him at the moment, I mean he can't remember anything about himself.  Not a thing.  What must it be like to be a person without a past?  I guess there can be good points to it.  There are countless moments in my life that I just look back on and cringe, I wouldn't mind forgetting them.  But on the other hand, isn't it the memories that make people, and the shape the way they turn out?  We can look back and reminisce on the good times, and learn from those mistakes we made, it's what makes us who we are.  

Does that mean that Squall here right now isn't really the Squall I knew?  Is he a completely different person?

I just don't know.  Even if he recovers all of his memories, he still won't be the same.  He'll change.

It happened once before, during our trip to Trabia Garden.  We were all together in the basketball courts when Irvine started telling us this story about some kids at an orphanage.  One by one, they all remembered, I could see the look of recognition form on each of their faces.  Eventually, even Squall remembered all about his childhood, about growing up with Seifer and Matron.  I have to admit that I felt so left out that day, more than I ever had before.  I could accept that I wasn't a SeeD, and so there were some things that we couldn't share, but I just couldn't bare to feel as if I didn't belong with them.  I know it sounds selfish, but I seriously thought of leaving them that day.  It was as if I wasn't a part of anything anymore.  They had all grown up together, been friends since they were little, and known each other almost all of their lives.  Who was I to intrude on that?

It was my talk with Squall afterwards that changed my mind.  Even though he had grown up with them, he had never really got close to any of them since.  I felt as if he almost distanced himself from them.  Whether or not it was deliberate, I don't know.  When he found out that they had all grown up in the orphanage, I did notice that the distance between them closed slightly, but he was still wasn't _too_ close to them.  Maybe it was because he was supposed to be the leader of the group and he had his own responsibility, or maybe it was because he was used to being the loner.  Either way, I felt some sort of connection because neither of us felt like we really belonged anywhere.  Soon enough, I began to feel as if I belonged with him.  And now?

Now where do we belong?

I still don't feel like there's anywhere I should be.  I hate this place, I hate my job, before I found Squall again, I could even say that I hated my life.  

The worst thing is that I'm afraid it'll happen to me.  They all forgot about their childhoods because of the GFs.  I gave myself over to the GFs too, in order that I might be able to use their power.  Does that mean that I'll lose my memory too?  What am I going to forget?  Am I just going to end up like Squall, someone without a past?

I don't think I could take that.  Not knowing who I was, or where I came from.  I wonder how Squall got by in Winhill.  He had to live day after day, not knowing anything about himself.  How is it that he still seems the same Squall I always knew?

Maybe it's not just our memories that shape us.

No matter what's happened, he still seems to be Squall, and I still can't seem to distance myself from him.  Believe me when I say I've tried.  For so long, I tried to convince myself that, although he might look like Squall, it wasn't really him.  How could it be him if he didn't know who I was after all?  

Maybe that would have offered me a little comfort.  It hurts to know that he could forget all that we shared and all that we went through.  I know it's not his fault, and I don't want to take out my own feelings of disappointment on him, but it's still a little insulting that our love can't mean anything to him now.  

It used to be everything.

It's hard enough for me to come to terms with this on my own, how much more difficult is it going to be when we return to Garden.  How can I face up to my own fears and my own feelings when the whole world will be watching me?  Even worse, I know that they're going to ask the question.

"Are you and Squall still together?"  

I know they'll ask it.  And I'll have to tell them the truth.  I'll have to tell them that I'm nothing to him now.  

It'll happen all over again.  The sideways glances, the looks of pity each time I walked down a hallway.  I couldn't take that last time, and I won't be able to take it now.  I'd rather them hate me for just leaving.  I'd rather the hatred blind them so much that they wouldn't feel sorry for me, than to have to endure the pity of other people who are practically strangers to me.

I'm not sure if I can do it.  I mean, going back's a big step.  I'm not sure if I'm ready.  Things have just happened so quickly.  I wish that I could have more time on my own to sort out my feelings.  At the moment, I'm just confused.  

Do I still love Squall?  

I can't answer that yet, it's just too soon.  If only Quistis hadn't come to visit at that particular time.  I could have had all the time I wanted.  I mean, what was she thinking, practically forcing us to go back to Garden as soon as she could?  She didn't even ask us?

Maybe I'm being too harsh.  She was probably so thrilled that Squall was alive, that she could barely contain her excitement and had to have Squall back as soon as possible.  I guess I can't blame her, but it's not as if I wouldn't have told them all eventually anyway.  This just seems too rushed.  I'd have liked to get everything sorted out with Squall first.  I mean, I guess at some point, I'm going to have to tell him that I was pregnant, right?  He has to know that doesn't he?

But if he doesn't remember anything about us, or about that last night we spent together, the one when I was going to tell him, why should he have to know?  What if it only complicates more?  What if he can't forgive me for losing his child?  I wouldn't blame him, I can't even forgive myself.  

I really wouldn't want him to be angry with me, though, not at this stage.  I know that there isn't a chance of our relationship being resurrected, but I'm sure that we can still be friends.  It would kill me if the chance I have of restoring the friendship between us was ruined by me being the bearer of bad news.  For now, I think I have to keep the truth from him.  I hate lying, but I think it's what I have to do.  I know I would feel worse if I lost him completely.  So, it's for the best, right?

Besides, he's got enough on his plate as it is.  He'll be back at Garden in a few hours, probably being worshipped as a returning hero, whereas I would feel lonely, out of place, and ostracised.  I know that none of them will forgive me, but I also know that I have to go back there now, even if it is only for Squall's sake.  

This is a great chance for him to recover some of his lost memories, to uncover some more pieces of the puzzle. Maybe he'll discover a little bit more about the real Squall Leonhart.  Maybe we all will.  

I know that, today, whatever will happen, will happen, and I can only hope and pray that it's not all a complete catastrophe.  I could really do with some good news for a change.


	18. Hope

Chapter 17

_Because nothing lasts forever,_

_And we both know hearts can change._

_And it's hard to hold a candle,_

_In the cold November rain._

Guns N Roses, November Rain.

Diary of Selphie Tilmitt

May 7th

You know what?  

Today, I got some good news, the first piece I've had in so many years.

He's alive.  

I can't believe it, Squall is actually alive, and he's coming here.  I'm still in shock.  I mean, I used to dream about this moment all the time. That day, four years ago ruined everything.  I always used to think, "what if that day never happened?"  

And now?  Now maybe I can find out, we all can.  Everything can just go back to the way it was before.  We can just forget about the pain and the hurt of the last four years, and get on with living the lives we had all imagined would happen after we defeated Ultimecia.  

How young and foolish we all were back then.  We thought we were invincible, we thought that nothing could defeat us.  How wrong we were.

Squall's death ended everything.  

Nothing was ever the same again.  We all changed, some of us beyond recognition.  

Rinoa was devastated.  None of us could even begin to imagine to what extent the pain and the grief was eating away at her.  She became so withdrawn.  She hardly ever spoke, she didn't eat, she didn't sleep.  I tried to help her, but nothing I could do could ease the pain she felt inside.  It hurt us all to see her change so much overnight.  She became a completely different person, one that we didn't know and could never hope to understand.  I can't say that I expected her to leave, but was I surprised?   

No.  

After all, what did she have left for her at Garden?  She had lost the one she loved, and in a roundabout way, she had lost her friends too, changed beyond all recognition to her.  If only we had known what was going through her head.  Maybe we could have helped her.  Maybe we could have seen that she needed our support.  But we were all too wrapped up in our own grief to see what was happening to her.   

Quistis became so distant, preferring to immerse herself in her work as Commander, than to even think about what had happened.  I don't think she spoke to any of us for weeks.   It was as if she was avoiding us.  Even now, the only time she speaks to me is when she when she has to, and it's always about business.  I hope now that all that will change.  It was she who told me the news about Squall, and I could sense that something had changed within her.  She seemed…calmer, as if knowing that Squall was still alive had brought some form of peace to her soul.  

To begin with, I wouldn't believe Quistis.  I mean, how could Squall still be alive.  I know it's true that we never found his body, but we all saw Seifer, lying dead, riddled with gunshot wounds.  When we found Squall's Lionheart in the sand nearby we all jumped to the same conclusion.  Squall and Seifer had fought to the death. 

But Squall is still alive.  So what did really happen that day?  Maybe he will be able to shed some light on it.  

I still remember the day of Seifer's funeral.  There were only two of us there to watch as he was buried as a traitor to SeeD.  I thought one of us should be there, I'm not sure why.  Maybe because he dedicated so much of his life to SeeD, or maybe because I needed to make sure that he was really dead and could never harm any of us again.  Ellone was the only other person present, and she wept for the body that was laid out in the casket.  At the time, I didn't understand why she was there and I thought she was foolish for caring about Seifer.  I don't think that she believed he had killed Squall.  Maybe she was the only one of us to open our eyes and see what was right in front of us.  It wasn't as if we had any proof to convict him, but we passed judgement anyway.  Maybe none of us had forgiven him for the Ultimecia incident, and we were still holding it against him.  I know that I was.  It was then that I realised that I owed him an apology, so I decided to go and visit him.

Today was the first day in a long time that I had visited that graveyard.  On many occasions I had visited Squall's highly decorated grave and completely ignored the somewhat simpler one that I had always walked past.  There were never any flowers on this grave, and it seemed badly tended to.  I brushed away the moss that had covered the stone and read the slightly worn inscription.

"Seifer Almasy"

That was all it said.  There was no testament to what kind of man he was, there wasn't even a date on it.  There was just that simple, two-word inscription.  It was all we had thought he deserved.  We might have been so wrong about him.  I couldn't really think of anything to say to him, though, that could sum up how I was feeling.

"Sorry."

That was all that I could bear to say.

It was only after I had returned that I thought about telling the others.  I doubted that Quistis would have told Zell and Irvine about Squall.  We may not have spoken much over the last few years but they still deserved to know.  

It was Zell that I contacted first.  It took me a long while to track him down, but eventually, I found out that he was staying in Fisherman's Horizon whilst on a mission.  These missions that he was undertaking were really far beneath him.  Most of them were simple jobs like spying on someone's husband to find out if they were cheating.  Only cadets were usually sent on missions that were a complete waste of time, but Zell accepted anything that would allow him to travel the world in search of Squall.  I admired him so much for never giving up hope.  I only hope that one day, I might be able to have such faith as he has. 

He was so overjoyed when I told him the truth, that Squall was still alive.  He gave up his mission there and then to return home.  He should be here soon.  I only hope he can forgive us all for giving up.  If there was one thing we should have learned from fighting Ultimecia, it was that there is always hope.  Zell didn't forget that.  I can't wait for him to come back, I've felt so alone here for the last four years.  It would be nice to have some company again.

It would be even better to have Irvine back again.

I've felt so cold ever since he returned to Galbadia.  After Rinoa left, I needed his support more than ever.  He left with me with nobody to talk to and no shoulder to cry on.  I never even really found out why he left.  He told me it was because there was just too much sadness for him to stay.  Is that really the reason?  Could he no longer feel any happiness when he looked me in the eye?  

I guess I have nobody to blame but myself.  It wasn't as if he didn't give any me any warning.  He started drinking more than he used to, going to bars every night, and staying in hotels instead of coming back our room.  I can't count the number of nights that I slept alone in a cold, empty bed.  Maybe if I had tried to talk to him, and asked how he was feeling, he wouldn't have left.  Instead, I just spent my time alone and crying, waiting for things to return to the way they were before.  I changed so much during that time, everybody told me so.  I just felt so miserable, as if my life ended when he left.  

There was no Squall, no Rinoa, no Irvine and I barely saw Zell and Quistis.  I was all alone.

That, more than anything is what I want to change.  I just want the six of us to all be happy again, and to enjoy each other's company.  With Squall coming back, maybe we can do that.  Maybe everything would be okay.

Irvine seemed really shocked to hear from me, almost as if he never expected to speak to me again.  I asked him how everything was, and it turns out that he had been promoted and was now the assistant headmaster of Galbadia Garden.  And he never even called to tell me!

I have to admit, I was surprised by his news.  He seemed to be the least likely person to be in any position of responsibility.  I was even more surprised that he had accepted the promotion.  He must have matured so much in the years since he left.  The Irvine I knew would never become an assistant headmaster.  He just didn't take life seriously enough to want a job like that.  This was a different Irvine from the one that I knew four years ago.

On the one hand, I do want to meet him again, to talk about everything that has happened, and to find out how much he has changed.  We've got so much catching up to do after all.  But on the other hand, I'm not sure if I'm ready to speak to him again, and to face up to my past.  With Squall returning, it looks like I'll have to face up to everything I'd rather forget about.  The few weeks before Irvine left were the worst of my life, and it looks like I'm going to be forced to relive them.  This time, I'll have to talk to him.  He owes me an answer.

I just want to know why.

A/N  Sorry it took so long.  I spent all summer working and now I've got so much schoolwork to do.  Thanks to everyone who reviewed this fic:

Rinoa Leonhart1

Karla3

Keiry

Merideth G

Discordia the Goddess of Irony

Meiko3

Dan

Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart – by the way, will you be updating Love Grows soon?

AsIaNbAkA

Cloud-123

And Dcmcc7942 and Joker Loire of the Turks for their emails.  Thanks guys!


	19. Echoes

Chapter 18

_And no-one sings me lullabies,_

_And no-one makes me close my eyes,_

_And so I throw the windows wide,_

_And call to you across the sky._

Echoes, Pink Floyd.

"Reflect on your childhood."

"Rinoa," I screamed as the abomination which stood before me struck out at her, knocking her to the floor.  I unleashed my wrath on the creature, not letting it come any nearer to her.  I lashed out, doing everything in my power to protect the one I cared about so much.  

_What is this?  What am I seeing?_

"Squall.  It's…it's alright," she said, tentatively getting back on her feet, and drawing her weapon once more.

"Your sensation…"

_What the hell is this thing we're fighting?  Was it human once?_

I could hear the shouts of the others behind me.  "She's weakening, Squall.  She's weakening."

She?  So that thing was female?  Could it be her? 

I kept glancing back at Rinoa.  There was no way that I was going to let anybody hurt her.

"Your words…"

I struck out at 'her' once more.  "You caused her so much pain," I screamed as I raked my blade through her skin.  

Caused who pain?  Did I mean Rinoa?  How had this thing hurt Rinoa? 

"Your emotions…"

It was then that Rinoa stepped forward and began to fight.  She screamed something incomprehensible to me as she fired her projectile, aiming right for the heart.  The look in her eyes terrified me and chilled me to my very core.  It was one of total hatred.  

_But that's not like Rinoa._

"Time…"

Rinoa attacked mercilessly, almost as if she were possessed.  The creature was being pushed backwards now, relentlessly by the continuous onslaught that she was facing.  

"It will not wait…"

I stepped up to Rinoa's side, and placed one hand on her shoulder.  Immediately, her gaze softened, and she returned to some sort of normality, her momentary lapse of reason forgotten.  I felt stronger knowing that she was beside me, and I knew that our victory was near.

"No matter how hard you hold on…"

"Squall, finish the sorceress off."  I could hear a female voice scream this towards me, but I couldn't pinpoint the source.  Looking around, all I could see was Rinoa and the sorceress.  

So it is Ultimecia then?  This is what happened.  But why was Rinoa killing a fellow sorceress?

"It escapes you…" 

This time, Ultimecia was rasping, clearly losing her strength.  With what power she had left, she reached for Rinoa.

"No," I screamed, as I leapt forward, ready to give my own life to protect her.  I unleashed a devastating series of blows on the creature, ones from which she would never recover.

"And…"

Those were the last words she muttered before the world turned black.

"Rinoa!"

I sat bolt upright, sweat dripping down my forehead.  _Was what I had just seen real?_  

That was Ultimecia, right?  The sorceress?  Rinoa had told me that we had defeated her, but it all seemed too incredible to be true.  

I needed to talk to her, to ask her about what I had just seen.  There were still so many things that I couldn't understand.  I mean, Rinoa said that she was a sorceress, and yet, I just saw her fighting Ultimecia.  That didn't make any sense to me.  I guess that there must have been good sorceresses like Rinoa had mentioned, otherwise, could I ever have fallen in love with her?  I didn't think so.

Still, there was so much I needed to know. 

Has she always been a sorceress?  What made her different from Ultimecia? What's it like being one of them?

The questions were endless.

"Squall?"  Rinoa stepped into the room, her dressing gown wrapped around her.  "What's wrong?" she asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Just a dream," I muttered, secretly wondering if that was really the case.

"What did you see?" she asked, sitting down beside me, a concerned look upon her face.

"Ultimecia.  At least, I think that was what I saw."  _After all, it could just as easily have been your average nightmare.  _I mean, losing her, that's the worst thing that could happen, right?  Maybe I'm just afraid that something will take her away, and then who will be there for me?  Rinoa knew me better than anyone, at least I think she did.  She's the best person to teach me about myself.  Without her I'm lost.

"What happened?"

"We were fighting against her, you and I.  At least, you were the only one I could see.  I could hear voices but it was as if that was all they were."  I struggled, trying to remember what else had occurred.  "She tried to kill you."

"She tried to kill us all, Squall."

"I know, but she seemed to want you dead, in particular."  Rinoa sighed, looking despondent.  

"I guess you don't remember then."

Rinoa, there's so much I don't remember.

"She controlled me, Squall."  Looking up at her, I could see the fear in her eyes even now, many years after Ultimecia had finally been defeated.  Obviously, she still wasn't exactly comfortable with this subject, almost as if it held some silent terror for her.  "For a time, I was part of her, and she was part of me."  Her voice had begun to shake with fear.  "It was terrible, Squall.  She…she made me hurt you."  And with that, her resolve wavered, as she collapsed into a fit of tears, four years worth of anguish flooding out in that one instant.

"Rinoa," I whispered, guiltily.  _Am I doomed to always cause her pain and heartache?  _

_This is all my fault, I always say the wrong thing._

Can she ever forgive me for all that I've done? 

I didn't know what to say to make it better.  Maybe words could never truly express how sorry I felt.  And besides, I'd probably just screw up again by saying something really insensitive and inappropriate.  One thing I've discovered about myself is that I seem to do that a lot.

So what do I do? 

I can't just leave her crying can I?  As much as I'd like to, I know I can't.  Unfortunately, nobody else is going to come along and talk to her, comfort her and make her feel better.  

Maybe that's for the best, I mean, it should be me doing this, right?  I'm the one who caused her all this pain, so I guess I'm the one who should face the consequences.  

That settled, I did the only thing that I knew I could.  I slowly put my arms around her and pulled her closer to me, until her head was resting on my shoulder.  I could feel her tears gently soaking through my shirt onto my skin, but I didn't care.  Somehow, it just felt right that she should be here in my arms.

Echoes.

That's what these feelings are.

Echoes of a past long forgotten.

I lost track of how long we just sat there, never moving, but eventually, the tears and the pain subsided and the world fell silent.   But still, I didn't let go, I couldn't let go.  No matter how hard I tried, I was trapped there with her.  No matter how many times my mind instructed me to move, my body just wouldn't listen.

"Squall.  I'm so sorry," she whispered, almost as if she was afraid of disturbing the peace and quiet of Deling City at four in the morning.

Sorry?   

What did she have to be sorry for?

"It was terrible, I didn't mean for any of it to happen.  She made me hurt you, and all I could do was watch.  I was seeing everything through my own eyes, but I had no control.  She forced me to see the look of agony in your face as I flung you across the room.  She took pleasure in it."  She spat that last phrase out with sheer venom.  It seemed that there were still some ghosts from her past that would continue to haunt her for a long time to come.  "She took pleasure in hurting the ones I loved."

All of this was too difficult for me to comprehend.  I knew that Ultimecia had somehow controlled her, but I wasn't sure about the rest.  It was so frustrating that I couldn't remember any of this.  Just what was Rinoa forced to do?   

"But even though I hurt you, and caused so much trouble, you were there for me.  You saved my life when I thought all was lost."

I did?

"And…and you accepted me for what I had become.  A sorceress."

For what she had become?  So she wasn't always like this?

"And I never even thanked you."

Rinoa?  I don't understand.

"And now, I don't know if it's too late."

Rinoa, help me understand.

"You probably don't remember any of this, so you probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about, but…thank you.  Thank you anyway."  I didn't know how to reply to this, so I just pulled her closer, as much for my comfort as for hers.  I was so confused.  Did Ultimecia want Rinoa dead because she had once been a part of her?  Is that how Rinoa got her powers?  Is that why this all still upsets her?  

"Squall, did you hate me?" she asked, seemingly afraid.

"What?"

Why is she asking this?  Why would I hate her?

"Did you hate me for what I did?"

Rinoa, please.  I don't remember.

"What did you do?"

"When she controlled me, I…I freed the sorceress Adel from space.  I nearly brought chaos to the whole world, and yet, you never said anything.  You never mentioned it again.  You just talked about the future.  I thought that it was because you couldn't forgive me for the past."

How am I supposed to answer?

I didn't know.  I didn't want to lie to her, and just say, "of course not," but at the same time what if the truth would hurt?  How can I know what my feelings were during a time that I don't even remember?  

She may have been asking the impossible, but she still wanted an answer.  She looked up at me, moving her head from my shoulder for the first time, her tear-stained eyes begging me for an answer I knew I couldn't give.  At least I thought I couldn't.

The journal.

Something stuck in my mind that I had written.  

She could become the world's enemy and I just wouldn't care.

I had actually written that after Ultimecia had possessed her.  See, I couldn't possibly have despised her, or even held anything against her.  There was my answer.

"Rinoa," I began, looking directly into her eyes, hoping to show her how truthful I was being, "I never hated you for a moment."  For a second, she seemed unsure of how to react.  She was almost frozen to the spot.  

"Thank you," she whispered, obviously relieved.  "I really needed to be sure."

"There's no need to worry about it anymore."   That was the truth.  For once, it seemed as if I wasn't the only one still searching for answers about the past.

"But, what about the others?  I never asked them how they felt.  Every single one of them had been trained to kill sorceresses ever since they were young.  They must have felt something against me."  

It was difficult enough remembering how I felt towards her, never mind remembering how everybody else felt.  But still, if she moved me enough to accept her for what she was, I'm sure that nobody else would hold it against her.

"If I didn't care, I'm sure that nobody else would."

"Maybe you're right," she sighed.  "I guess I'll find out for sure later today."  She seemed, I don't know…apprehensive…about all of this.  I'm sure that she doesn't want to go back to Garden, and not just because it was in her past.  I'm a part of her history and she doesn't seem too anxious to get away from me.  There's something else holding her back.  Fear, perhaps.  

Well, whatever it was, I got the feeling that she wasn't ready to share it with me just yet.  Maybe she will when the time is right.  Either way, I'm not about to push her into telling me.  I'll wait until she's ready.  

"I'd better go and get ready," she muttered as she began to leave.  All this talk of Garden really seemed to get her down.  Why does even mentioning the place cause her to react like this?  

The look on her face as she turned to walk out of the door told me everything I needed to know.

She's afraid.

After that, I just couldn't go back to sleep.  Never before had I wondered about my feelings for her as I did now.  Holding her like that just seemed so…natural.  It was as if something just clicked.  I know that I had written about being in love with her, but before now, I still doubted it at the very back of my mind.  But when she was in my arms, something stirred in my heart.  I'm not sure what, all I know is that it was something, and that something was indescribable.  

I opened the bag of my belongings that I had brought from Winhill, and removed the small, velvet box from within it.  This had been troubling me for some time now.  Just before I left, Maron had asked to talk to me alone, and he had presented me with this.  According to him, it had been in my pocket when he found me, but he had never given it back in case it just made me long for the life I had forgotten.  

I undid the clasp on the box and lifted the lid so that I could run my finger over the smooth, perfectly formed diamond that sat atop the platinum band.  

Was this for Rinoa?

I felt sure that it was.  But why I had it I wasn't sure.  Maybe it was her birthday, or an anniversary or something.  Or even…nah, there's no way I'd do that is there?  I quickly removed that thought from my head.  

I'm sure I'll remember eventually, I have to.  It's just killing me that I can't ask Rinoa.  I mean, what if it was meant to be a surprise?  It'd just be way too awkward.  We're not together now, and I don't want the people at Garden getting any ideas.  

And besides, aren't I making things difficult enough for Rinoa as it is?  It must be difficult enough for her to accept me as it is, I don't need to go and remind her of what we had at one time.  It'd just bring back painful memories, and I've caused her too much grief as it is.  This is just something I have to figure out on my own.

And to think, life used to be so simple.

Now, there's so much I have to figure out on my own.  I mean, do I stay at Garden, or not?  

Part of me thinks that it's a great idea.  I've lived there for most of my life, so it would make sense that being there would help me remember.  But a part of me is saying that it's not my home anymore, and I have a duty to Rinoa.  She's helped me out so much that I really don't know if I can just abandon her.  One things for sure, I know that she won't want to stay in Garden for very long, so I have to make a decision quickly.  

I guess I can't worry about it too much now.   I can't decide until I've at least been there, can I?  

Well, I suppose that it makes today a very important day.

I only hope I can make the right call.

A/N: Wow, that was a long chapter-for me anyway. I just want to apologise for the fact that ff.net seems very reluctant when uploading italics, so if you're wondering why some lines that should be italicised aren't, then the answer is that they were, they just wouldn't upload correctly.  Sorry.  Does anybody know if I can do anything about this? 

Thanks to everyone for staying with this fic, I really appreciate it.  And now for a shameless plug, I feel very guilty about my appalling treatment of Quistis in some of my stories, so I wrote a whole story dedicated to her called 'A Love Misunderstood.'  Please give it a try, pretty please?  Anyway, time for the thanks:

Meiko

Karla3

Hiasha

Discordia the Goddess of Irony

Dan

Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart

Dark Squall Leonhart

And a special thanks to Ashbear and Optical Goddess for reviewing so many of my fics recently. 


	20. Drowning

Chapter 19

_I think I'm drowning,_

_Asphyxiated,_

_I want to break the spell,_

_That you've created._

_You will be the death of me._

Time Is Running Out, Muse.

_"Rinoa.  I never hated you for a moment."_

It was all I had been able to think of this morning, that one little phrase running over and over again, relentlessly, throughout my mind.

_Did he really mean that?_

I don't mean to doubt him, I really don't.  I mean, I trusted him…I do trust him.  At least, I think I do.

It's just, well…I can't be certain of anything anymore.  I feel as if I'm back to being the frightened little girl, who would sit night after night at her bedroom window, waiting for her mother to come back to her, yet deep down, knowing it was hopeless.  I'm all alone in the world again. 

I realise that that may sound a little strange.  I should be over the moon, right?  Every night for the last four years, I dreamed that he returned to me.  He just walked straight back into my life, I welcomed him with open arms, and everything went back to the way it was before, as if none of the last few years had ever happened.

Why can't reality ever be that simple?

I know that he's here with me, but, for some reason, I know I'm still alone.  I'm alone, fighting in the dark, fighting to regain something of my past.  

But I know I'm losing.  There's nothing I can do.  No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to hold onto it.  My past, it's slipping away from me, I can't stop it.  Either I let it go completely, let go of everything that I ever held dear to me, and become somebody else, or I can carry on fighting the losing battle, letting myself drown in the sorrows of my past.  

No matter what I choose, I lose a part of myself.  

Worse still, I'm going to end up losing him.

After all that has happened, after all that I've felt and all that I've done, I know that I can't go back to just being friends.  

"Rinoa?  Are you even listening to me?"  

It was only then that I realised how deep in thought I must have been, as by now, the tone in Squall's voice was one of great annoyance.

"Sorry," I replied, sheepishly.  I hadn't meant to ignore him, it's just, well…there are other things on my mind at the moment.

"You've been like this all morning.  Aren't you going to tell me why?"

"I'm just tired, that's all.  You woke me up pretty early."  From the look on his face, I could tell that he knew I was lying, but, thankfully, he didn't pursue the matter any further, and so we walked on towards Obel Lake in complete silence.  However, this wasn't the comfortable silence from very early this morning.  This was something different, it was…well…awkward.  I could feel that he wanted to say something, anything to break the ice.  It reminded me of the first moment I met Squall after the graduation ball.  He walked into the train carriage, noticed that he would be working for me, and that was it.  I don't think I even managed to make eye contact with him for about a week afterwards.  Even when we were arguing, he wouldn't look at me, almost as if setting his eyes upon me would make him want to back down.  That was what had given me hope back then, that maybe he didn't just find me a nuisance.   But now I just think he feels awkward because there's nothing to say anymore.  

He has some idea of what was once between us, and I'm sure he knows that I still cling to that idea.  

So what can he say to me without feeling awkward?  He must think I'm still in love with him and he must be so embarrassed about it.  If only I could have hidden my feelings a little better, maybe he'd have found it easier to talk to me.  I mean, I still don't know what these feelings are myself, all I know is that they're there.  It would have been much safer to hide them until I'd figured out what they actually meant, but I'm not one for hiding my emotions.  I'm too straightforward a person.

I guess I'll never know.  In a matter of minutes, Garden will be here.  

_And so will the beginning of the end._

His home will always be in Garden, and mine never will be again.  

Glancing over at him, I noticed that he seemed somewhat different now that we had arrived at the meeting place.  There was a look of anticipation on his face, certainly, but I got the impression that it was mingled with something else.  Fear, perhaps?  

No, it can't be.  There's nothing for him to fear.  Garden is his home, and he'll be welcomed back like an all-conquering hero, of that I'm sure.  Maybe he's just anxious to see everybody again.  As far as I know, he has very little memory of them, he only knows what I've told him and what he's read in his journal.  Will he even recognise their faces?  

If not, then I don't want to have to see the look on Selphie and Zell's faces when they meet him again for the first time.  It would hurt them both to be forgotten, I know.  

Then again, I'm not sure if I really want to see anybody there again.  I'm so afraid of their reactions that I'm really tempted not to go.  It would be so easy just to wait here until Squall leaves and then go home and try to forget everything and build myself a new life.  

"You're thinking of staying, aren't you," he asked.  

_How the hell did he know what I was thinking?_

_Am I really that obvious?_

This was one aspect of Squall that always used to amaze me.  For someone who would never express many emotions, he was certainly a good judge of other people's, even if he didn't always let on that he knew how they were feeling.  And it seems that he can still read me like a book, even if it's not at all like he was to be so forward with his questions.

"Rinoa, answer me."

"Yes," I whispered, not wanting to lie anymore.  I didn't expect a reply.  I thought that he would just accept this, and then we could sit in yet more uncomfortable silence before it was time for him to leave.  

"Please, Rinoa.  I don't want you to go."

_What?  Is he really saying this?_

I had been so taken aback that I had no clue of how to reply.  Instead I just sat there, my head in a daze.

"Please, Rinoa.  You can't leave.  I feel like…like I'm getting to know you.  I guess I mean, I'm getting to know you again."

"Squall.  Garden's your home, not mine.  You have plenty of friends there that will help you, I promise."

"So, you're not going to help me anymore, is that it?  You're just going to palm me off on somebody else at the first opportunity you get," he shouted.

_Is that what he thinks of me?  Can't he see what I'm going through?_

"It would be better for the both of us if I stayed."

"You mean it would be better for you if you stayed here and didn't have to face whatever it is that you seem so afraid of?"

I froze.  I hadn't expected that.  

_Just how does he know that I'm afraid?_

"You can't run away for ever, Rinoa.  You showed me that when you took me away from Winhill and helped me find my past.  I've got no one else to turn to."  I looked into his eyes, and saw that every word he had uttered was the truth.  More than that, there was something that still burned in those eyes, something that I hadn't seen for what felt like an age to a heart as frozen as mine.

"Rinoa, please.  I need you."

_He needs me?  He really does?_

Was this for real?  Did he really say those words, or was it just the trick of an overactive imagination.

"Rinoa, dammit, say something," he screamed in frustration.

No, it was real.  Those words were real.  And with them, I felt the first glimmer of hope return to me, and, unwittingly, I found myself replying to him.

"I need you too."

A/N.  I said I was going to do a chapter of Breaking Away before this one, but I've had really bad writer's block with that story, so I'm sorry to those people who I promised another chapter.  You'll have to make do with this.  

Thanks to:

Dan

Karla

Kikoken

Vyg Tnaysan

Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart

Shanna

Prizz

Optical Goddess

EternalHikari

Sorceress Rinoa Leonhart  

Merry Christmas!


	21. Reunion

Chapter 20

_Life has been unfaithful, _

_And it all promised so much._

_La Tristessa Durera,_

_Scream to a sigh._

Manic Street Preachers, La Tristessa Durera.

What am I supposed to do?  What am I supposed to say now?

_"I need you too." _  That's what she said to me.  _"I need you too."_

How do I reply to that without sounding incredibly needy?  The last thing I want is for her to start getting any ideas.  I've got enough to deal with now as it is, without having to sort out things between us.  Believe me, that is not a discussion that I want to be having any time soon.  I just want to figure out who I am without having anything else to complicate matters.  

So why did I have to go and tell her that I need her?  Why?

I really wish I could take back that one little sentence.  Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I was lying or anything.  I _do_ need her, I just don't want her to think that I need her because I still love her.  I need her because she knows who I was.  She knew me better than anybody else, meaning that she's the perfect person to help me figure out my past.

And…I don't know.  I feel like I need her there, just because I know her.  I remember glimpses of my past concerning her, and even now she doesn't feel like a complete stranger.  I just don't want to go into Garden without a clue as to who anybody is.  I need her because I'm relying on her to be my guide.

It's at times like these that I make myself feel sick.  I'm always relying on other people, not matter how hard I try to be self-reliant.  From what I've heard about my past, and from what I've read in my journal, I depended on my friends.  I depended on Maron back in Winhill.  If he hadn't have found me and nursed me back to health, I wouldn't be alive today.  And now I'm almost entirely dependent on Rinoa. 

Without her, I'd be lost.

But why did I have to admit that I needed her?  It just came out, I hadn't meant to say it. It's almost like I suddenly develop Tourette's whenever she's around.  I can't help saying these things.  And I know that it'll only make things more difficult in the future.  She'll think that I want us to be together again, and…well…we're not going to get back together.  I'm almost sure of it.  I can't be sure that it's what I want, and it just wouldn't be fair to her.  I might not know much about myself, but for some reason, I _know_ that I'd only end up hurting her again.  I couldn't live with myself if I did that again.

This is just the way that it has to be.

It wasn't long until Garden finally arrived.  I have to admit, the sight of the military school floating above the Plains of Galbadia on its anti-gravity rings was breathtaking.  I found myself gazing upwards in awe. Whatever I had expected about Garden, this was definitely not it.  

"Quite a shock after living in Winhill isn't it?" Rinoa chuckled, obviously amused by the expression on my face.  

I had to admit, she had a point.  The place was so technologically-backwards that it was deemed a great event if so much as a car drove past.  I had been shocked at the sudden change in scenery when I first came to Deling, but nothing had prepared me for this. 

"I'm sorry I even thought about staying," Rinoa admitted, as Garden hovered and lowered itself to the ground.

"You don't have to be sorry.  I understand."  That's a lie.  I don't understand.  I know she's afraid but she won't tell me why.  Maybe I could be a bit more understanding if she'd just tell me the truth.  Maybe then, I wouldn't have felt so betrayed when she said that she had considered not going with me.

"Are you ready?" she asked me, motioning towards the entrance.  

I took a deep breath.  Well, it's now or never.

"Welcome back, Squall," Quistis announced as I entered Garden.  I took a quick look around at my surroundings.  Corridors, filled with lush trees all leading to an elevator at a central hub which was surrounded by water as clear as the sky above Winhill.  This wasn't what I had expected.  I was stood in a military school.  Where were the harsh, enclosed spaces and hospital-white walls?  Just behind Quistis, there were a further three people.  I had to assume that they were my former friends, and I was immediately glad that I had read every passage in my journal about them, in the hope that I might at least be able to recognise them when I got here.  Unfortunately for me, there wasn't much information on them.  Most of my writing seemed to focus on one person in particular, and that wasn't going to help me now. One was a short woman, with brown, shoulder length hair, and a grin that spread across the whole of her face.  I saw her turn to the man next to her, and whisper something in his ear.  Fortunately for me, she clearly had no concept of the word quiet, and I could hear what she was saying.

"See, Irvy.  It's really him.  He's here."  

I guessed that this must have been Selphie, if she was that happy to see me back.  I remember one particular adjective in my journal that always seemed to be describing her…hyperactive.  That description seemed to fit, as she was hopping from one foot to the other in excitement.  It seemed as though she just couldn't keep still, and that matched what I knew of her personality.

She had called the man next to her Irvy.  I guessed this meant he was Irvine.   From what I had written, I presume that he and Selphie were a couple, but now that I saw them, I wasn't so sure.  He appeared to be keeping his distance from her, and was repeatedly stealing glances at her when he believed she wasn't looking.  The surprising thing about him, though, was that he was wearing a uniform denoting an identical rank to Quistis.  I was under the impression that she was the leader of Garden.  How could anyone be equal in rank to her?  Although he certainly looked the part of a Commander, with his short, neatly cropped hair and his towering frame, but I can't help thinking that something's missing.  He doesn't have the air of authority that Quistis seems to emanate so effortlessly. She is certainly the most believable Commander.  

By process of elimination, Zell must be the person stood to Quistis' left.  His reaction seemed to be one of complete and utter disbelief, almost as if he had expected this whole thing to turn out to be a childish prank.  He was dressed more casually than the others, wearing jeans and a t-shirt as opposed to a uniform.  He did, however, sport a pair of gauntlets on his arms, the only giveaway sign that he wasn't just an average civilian.  

There were more people stood behind these four, but I had no clue as to their identity.  But then, without Rinoa or my journal, I wouldn't have been able to put names to any of their faces bar Quistis', and I only recognised her because of her previous visit.  

That frightened me somewhat.  I just couldn't work out who everyone was.

There was something that I found more worrying, however.  

I didn't recognise this place, even though I had grown up here.

_Welcome back._  That was what Quistis had said.  

_Welcome back.  _

That felt wrong.  It was as if I had never been here before in my life.

A/N  Sorry for the short chapter.  I've got loads of exams and I really should be revising at the moment.

Thanks to:

Hiasha

Pikachu612M

Karla3

Happy Youkai

Sorceress Rinoa Leonhart

Pretty Green Eyes

Dan

Optical Goddess

Travithian Exile

Zer0 Kataru

Rinoa Heartilly-Leonhart

DBH


	22. A Broken Soul

Chapter 21

_Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,_

_No tomorrow,_

_No tomorrow._

Mad World, Tears for Fears

Diary of Laguna Loire

May 8th

Sometimes, I really worry about myself.  It's four in the morning, and instead of being in bed like any normal person, here I am, writing an entry in a diary I haven't even touched for four years.  I thought I'd left this whole thing behind by now, after all, I did start writing this more than twenty years ago, for Elle.  

When she went missing, it felt like my world had fallen apart.  I loved her as if she was my own daughter, and she was taken away from me.  Each day that I spent without her, I felt cheated by something.  The last thing I wanted was for her to feel the same way.  I wanted her to feel as if she didn't miss out on that time with me, so I started a diary for her, and hoped one day, that she could read it, and understand what happened in that time.  I wanted her to hear the adventures of Uncle Laguna, Kiros and Ward.  She would have loved those stories, I know it.

I never did give her the diary though, the guilt was too much.  These stories were what had kept me away from Raine when she was dying.  I missed her final moments on this earth.  I wasn't there for her.  Afterwards, I became a changed man.  I could hardly even look Elle in the eye anymore.  I retreated into my own little world, concentrating on running Esthar instead of comforting Ellone over the death of the woman who had been like a mother to her.  Eventually, I sent her to an orphanage, thinking that it would be better for her than being around the mess of a man that I had become.  It was only when I found out the danger that she was in that I brought her home.  

How she ever forgave me, I don't know.  I could have ruined her life by sending her to that orphanage, but she didn't say anything…she refused to hate me.  I couldn't even blame her for not telling me about Squall for all those years.  I didn't find out until he was seventeen years old, and he was sent as the leader of the SeeDs that I had requested.  Only then, did she admit to me that I had a son.  When I asked her to explain why she had kept it from me, her words stung me.

"You were a wreck back then.  You'd have been tearing yourself up about not being there when Raine died.  If I had told you, I thought it would make everything worse."

This really hit home what a bad father I'd been to her.  I was determined not to make the same mistake with Squall, but, being me, I screwed up badly.  Almost as soon as the whole Ultimecia incident was over, I decided to come right out and tell him the truth, that I was his father.  He wouldn't so much as talk to me for more than a month afterwards. I should have taken things slower, or at least have let him get to know me properly before I told him.  

I think he truly hated me then.  To him, I was a complete moron of a Galbadian soldier who could never do anything right.  I think he wanted it to be a lie.  I was the last kind of father he wanted.  

If it wasn't for Rinoa, I'm sure he would have frozen me out of his life completely, but as it was, she really turned things around.  Hers was the only opinion that mattered to him, and she begged him to give me a chance…probably because of the trouble she had been through with her own father.  Slowly, he came around to the idea that he was my son.  Sure, we weren't exactly going to play ball in the park every weekend, but we were civil to one another and our professional relationship was very solid, and profitable, for both sides.  

I almost wish that wasn't the case.

If he had carried on hating me, he would never have taken the job I offered him, of leading a team against an Estharian rebel group.  If he had never have spoken to me again, he wouldn't have lost the last four years of his life.

The moment that I received that phone call from Quistis will remain with me forever.  That was the moment that I felt as if my life ended.

"I'm really sorry Laguna…I have some bad news for you.  It's Squall, he's…he's…dead."

I could feel my entire world fall apart around me in that one instant.  My only son had been taken from me.

If it wasn't for Elle, I don't think I would have made it through those dark times.  She was my rock…the one who kept me sane and gave me a shoulder to cry on. Without her, I would have given up…I would have lost everything.

Still, life had never been the same without him.  Even though we weren't very close, I still missed him every damn day.  I thought I'd never get over it.

Now maybe, I'll get the chance to. 

It's been two hours now since I was awoken by an urgent phone call that had patched through to my private residence.  I figured that the call would be from someone in Balamb.  They never seem to realise that we're several hours behind over here, and they're frequently waking us up in the middle of the night.  The subject of the phone call, however, was more than a little surprising.

"Laguna? It's Quistis, I need you to come here right away.  It's urgent."

I had expected to hear some terrible news, you know, treaties breaking down, a high profile murder, maybe a war looming on the horizon.  Instead, she told me the last thing that I had ever expected to hear.

"Turns out, we made a mistake four years ago.  He's alive.  He's here."

After those words, everything was a blur.  I think I put the phone down on her in shock, but I can't be certain.  All I remember is ordering Kiros and Ward to wake up, and have a team ready the Ragnarok for immediate departure. All I could think off was going to Balamb, the need to get there was all that would sink in.  Even now, I'm still not sure if I can believe it.  I guess I'm terrified that I'll get to Balamb and it'll all be a huge mistake.  I'm scared of getting my hopes up, scared that I'll have to go to bed tonight, as I have for the last four years, knowing that my son is dead, and I'll never see him again.  

I've been in countless battles and rebellions, believe me, I'm well acquainted with fear, but this?  This is the worst fear a father can know, I just can't face to lose him again.  

Well, I guess it's time to stop waiting, and to face up to this.  I need to know the truth.

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AN.  Sorry this took ages, I've just had so much work to do for school.  Thanks to everyone that reviewed though, I really appreciate it.


	23. Alone in the Dark

Chapter 22

_It's been raining since you left me,_

_Now I'm drowning in the flood._

_You see I've always been a fighter,_

_But without you I give up._

Bon Jovi, Always

Looking upwards towards the stars in the sky had always had an effect on me, ever since I was a little girl.  I can remember my mother telling me, "whenever it feels like everything is getting too much, and you just feel like giving up, look up to the stars.  The sky is full of them, all millions of years old.  So you see, no matter how big your problems might seem to you, in the grand scale of things, they're insignificant."

Of course at the time, I wasn't old enough to question this, but now, her saying seems depressing.  Doesn't it also mean that, in the grand scale of things, we are only insignificant too?  That's something I don't want to believe, that I refuse to believe.  Even an individual can alter the world beyond all recognition, for better or for worse, I know that all to well by now.  

Even though my problems don't disappear anymore when I stare at the stars, I do feel somewhat calmer…more serene.  On most nights, it helps me to focus myself, to see everything with so much more clarity.  

Tonight, even that can't help me.  

It's as if I'm standing on the brink of a crossroads in my life, and I have no idea which way to turn.  Squall once told me this was how he felt when I left for the Sorceress Memorial.  Now, I can finally understand what he was going through.

I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend what's been going through his mind today, though.  He was welcomed back with open arms.  Practically everybody at Garden wanted to speak to him, and I could only watch the pained expression on his face grow as he struggled to remember the faces that were before him.  At one point, his frustration boiled over, and he screamed at everybody to go away before he promptly punched a hole clean into the plaster on the walls.  I know how rarely Squall loses his temper, and it honestly worried me.  He was obviously trying so hard to remember anything about this place and these people, and he was obviously failing miserably.  Which only made me wonder all the more…why could he remember me?

I had always believed that he only really remembered me because he had seen me.  I thought the fact that he struggled to remember Quistis was just a one-off, and that if he came to Garden, his memory would return.  Maybe it will, maybe all it will take is time. 

I certainly hope so.  If Squall can't stay at Garden, what will he do?  Where will he go?  Garden has been his life since he was very young, he's known very little else.

Then again, what will I do with my life now?  I doubt they'll have me back at the newspaper now.  I was supposed to report in today with my story from Winhill.  It's no big loss really, I've never been happy doing that job.  There was only one job I was ever happy with, and that was working here.  Sure, being the Headmaster's assistant doesn't sound like the most glamorous of jobs, and it certainly came with a lot of paperwork, but it did have it's perks.  My boss was definitely one of those perks.  

"You alright?" a familiar voice whispered from behind me.  

"Selphie?"  I must have been so deep in thought that I hadn't heard her arrive. I had thought that coming here, to the secret area in the training centre would have meant that I could have avoided company.  I was wrong.

"Rin, you've been crying."  In truth, I hadn't noticed, but wiping my hand across my cheek, I saw that she was telling the truth.  I had been crying.  Maybe it was all of the reminiscing about Squall and the way things used to be.  It's foolish of me to dwell on the past, I know, but sometimes I feel like the past is all I have.

"It's nothing, Selphie, really."  I tried to laugh the whole thing off, but I knew it was futile.

"I guess this must be hard on you too, huh?"  The tone of her voice shocked me.  It was so…subdued, so desolate.  It was the voice of somebody who had lost everything.

"I'm so sorry."  I had to get it off my chest.  This meeting was the one I was most worried about.  I could honestly understand it if she never forgave me, I just had to tell her how I felt.

"What have you got to be sorry for, Rin?"

"For leaving without saying a word, for never getting back in contact…for everything really."  It really did feel better getting that off my chest, almost as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

"I can't say I wasn't mad at first, but, I guess I understand why you did it.  I've just been worried about you, Rin, that's all.  No word for four whole years, I thought you'd disappeared off the face of the planet."

"Believe me, there were times when I wanted to," I admitted.

"He doesn't remember any of us, does he?"  Her question shocked me.  Selphie had never been one for bluntness before now.  I decided that, seen as she was being honest, I had better tell the truth too.

"No…no, he doesn't."

"Quistis said something about his memory being screwed up, but I didn't want to believe it.  I guess I thought we could all be together again, you know.  All of the Orphanage Gang would be here, and things could back to the way they used to be.  Things have changed since you left, you know?  Everything's changed."

"Selphie?"

"You and Squall were gone, Rin.  The four of us couldn't hold ourselves together.  Quistis spends day and night locked in her office, pouring over her paperwork.  Zell's been out on missions ever since you left, looking for any trace of Squall…and Irvine…well…he left."  It was then that I understood why she seemed different.  Gone was the happy-go-lucky, ever cheerful friend that I had left, and in its place was the morose, broken shell of a woman who stood before me now.  It was almost as if I was looking into a mirror.

"What happened," I asked tentatively, sensing that she wanted to talk.

"He changed so much.  He…he would go out drinking, and some nights, he just wouldn't come home."  She began to cry, and instinctively, I reached out and touched her shoulder, wanting to offer her what little comfort I could.  I wasn't there for her when she really needed me, I was damn well going to be there for her now.  "He asked for a transfer to Galbadia, and they accepted.  I found a note in my room that night, saying goodbye."  It was as she said those words that she broke down into floods of tears.  

"He told you on a note?"  It probably wasn't the best thing that I could have said, but it just slipped out.  If she wasn't so emotional about it, I'm not sure I'd even believe her.  It just didn't sound like something Irvine would do.  It was so cowardly that at that moment, I just wanted to hit him.  Not very mature, or very helpful, I'm sure, but seeing Selphie this upset made me so angry with him.  I sincerely hoped that she hadn't been upset at my leaving. I don't think I could deal with that.

"Yes, on a note left on my pillow.  That was how much I meant to him."

"I'm sure that's not the truth, Selphie.  You two were so happy together, you meant the world to each other."

"He meant the world to me, yes.  At the time, I thought he felt the same way about me.  I guess I was wrong."

"Selphie."  I was just about to try and comfort her, to tell her that there must be some other explanation for his behaviour, when we were interrupted by a young couple entering the secret area behind us.  When they saw Selphie, they quickly turned around, and tried to leave quietly, hoping they could escape the notice of a high-ranking SeeD.  She did notice them, but did nothing.

"I guess I'd better go before anybody else catches me breaking curfew.  I wouldn't want to set a bad example to the students."  She wanted to be alone, and I wasn't going to stop her.  We all needed time to sort this mess out.  I decided to follow her lead, and return to my room.

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_I'm not alone.  I'm not alone.  I'm not alone._

I strained to repeat those words over and over inside my head, hoping to keep the darkness at bay.

_I'm not alone.  I'm not alone.  I'm not alone._

It's no use.  I'm only lying to myself.  

_I am alone._

What else am I supposed to think?  Lying here in the dark, in this place, I can't help but feel this way.  

_It's so cold._

This isn't how it's supposed to be.  This feels so…so wrong.

Everything here is the same as it was four years ago.  The bed, the walls, the furnishings…everything is the same.  It was just so familiar, and all of my old memories, ones that I had tried to consign to the furthest reaches of my mind, came flooding back with a vengeance.  

_I used to live here._

But one crucial detail is very, very different.  

_I'm all alone._

There are no strong arms around me now, pulling me close, no deep, rhythmic breathing from the pillow next to mine, no feeling of warmth that comes from being so close to someone you love.

_He's not here anymore._

This was the hardest thing to deal with, the loneliness.  I can't bear it.

_He's not here…and he never will be again._

I can still remember the first night we spent together, as clear in my mind as if it had happened yesterday.  I couldn't help but replay every moment through my mind. 

That day, a potential client had taken an objection to the fact that I was in Garden.  He told me how no sorceress should be allowed to live, that their powers were inherently evil.  I know I should just have ignored it, but I couldn't.  I hadn't been in Garden long, and I was insecure about what others felt towards me, especially towards the powers that I possessed.  I got upset, and retreated to my room to cry my heart out-immature I know, but at the time, I didn't know what else to do.  

It was well after curfew when I heard a soft knocking on my door.  I had expected Selphie or Zell to have come to check on me, but instead, it was Squall's voice that called out to me.

"_Rin.  Can I come in?" _he whispered softly.  I undid the latch on my door and allowed him to enter the room.  I tried to hide my face, hoping that he wouldn't notice me crying.  I was out of luck.  _"I'm sorry I let him anyway near you, Rin."   _I could hardly believe that this was happening.  _"Look, Rin.  Even if some incredibly stupid people might think that way, you have your friends.  I could never think about you in that way.  You're everything to me."  _That only made me cry even more, but instead of tears of sadness, they were tears of joy.  I can remember clearly what I said next, but I still can't explain why I said it.  I was sure that he would run a mile if I even suggested it, but I went right ahead and opened my big mouth anyway.

_"Squall.  Can I ask you a favour?  Please, don't leave me alone tonight."  _To my surprise, he just smiled and held me close to him.  We spent the whole night together like that, my head resting against his chest, his arms wound tightly around me.  I slept more soundly that night, than on any previous night.  It just felt so…so…right.  

And now, that's all over.  My nights are spent cold and alone, with nobody beside me, and no company other than my nightmares.

Part of me didn't want to resign myself to this. This was the part of me that's been screaming to be let out ever since I saw him in Winhill, the part that wants to fight for what we once had.  The other part of my mind is telling me to just cut my losses and run.  This is my sensible side, the one that recognises the fact that I've been hurt enough to last a lifetime, and that I don't need to risk getting hurt ever again.

I honestly don't know which side of me is going to win this battle, I only know that there's going to be a lot of heartache along the way.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by a light tapping on the door.  Glancing across at my clock, I saw the time and winced.  4:15.

"Selph?" I asked.

"Rin, it's…it's me.  Do you mind if I come in?"  

Was I dreaming?

A/N:  I'm having problems getting italics to upload, so you may have use your imagination in places.  Thanks to everyone who reviewed.


	24. Stranger at the Door

Chapter 23

_This could be the end of everything,_

_So why don't we go, somewhere only we know?_

_Somewhere only we know._

Keane, Somewhere Only We Know.

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_This has to be a dream._

It's just my imagination, right? That's all it is.

"Rin? Are you in there?"

This can't be real. After all the tossing and turning I'd done, maybe I finally managed to fall asleep, and now I'm just stuck inside this surreal dream.

"Rin?"

_He sounds so real. _

Instinctively, I found myself climbing slowly out of bed, wincing as my bare feet touched the icy floor tiles. Deep down, I know this is just a dream, but still…I couldn't bring myself to take any chances. What if it really was Squall standing outside my door? What if he really did want to talk?

Steadily, I unlocked the door, perfectly prepared to find the corridor beyond deserted, and ready to denounce myself as crazy for hearing voices in the night. As I slowly opened the door, and peered around the edge into the corridor, I found that it was indeed occupied.

I hadn't imagined any of it. It was all perfectly real.

I stood, frozen to the spot for what seemed like an age, but could only have been a matter of seconds. I wasn't expecting this, I wasn't prepared. I mean, just what are you supposed to do when a former lover with practically no recognition of his past comes knocking on your door in the early hours of the morning, and catches you dressed in your nightgown and sporting the extremely unattractive just-got-out-of-bed hairdo?

Exactly…panic.

"Um, what are you doing here, Squall? I mean, not that I'm not pleased to see you or anything. It's just…um…unexpected, that's all. I mean, if you'd have told me, I'd have been prepared, and…um…dressed and…um, well what are you doing here anyway. Shouldn't you be in bed?"

Why do I always babble when I'm nervous? Sometimes I actually think that it's medically impossible for me to just shut up, and stop making a fool of myself.

_I think I was onto something there._

He paused, looking more than a little baffled.

"Can, I come in?" he asked, hesitantly.

I let out a huge sigh of relief when I realised that my outburst of inane questioning hadn't led him to run off down the hallway, and opened the door a little wider.

"Sorry, I just needed to talk," he explained as he entered the room, sensing my confusion.

"Um…okay," I replied, not really sure what else to say. If he really does want to talk, I won't be the one to push him into it. "Do you want to sit down?" I asked gently, still a little afraid of frightening him off.

"Sure." As he perched gingerly on the edge of the bed, I could tell that he was feeling out of place, as though he didn't belong here. Whether he felt that he didn't belong here at Garden, or here in my room in the middle of the night, I couldn't tell, but I was beginning to suspect the latter.

There was an awkward silence as I sat down next to him, not too close, I hoped, as to make him feel uncomfortable, but not too far away either. The last thing I wanted him to think was that I didn't want him to be here.

I stared forlornly at the floor as we spent the next few minutes in silence. It was only when I looked up that I realised he'd been staring at me.

"What is it?" I demanded.

"Oh…nothing," he replied as a sly smile formed on his face.

_Just what is he smiling about?_

"Tell me."

"It's nothing…really."

There was definitely something up. He was almost on the verge of laughter.

"You'd better tell me what's so funny." I was starting to get annoyed now.

After a few more moments, he could hold out no longer, and he burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry. It's just…it's just your hair."

I rushed to the bathroom mirror, and suddenly became acutely aware of just how terrible I actually looked. Tossing and turning whilst you're trying to sleep does not, it would appear, have a beneficial effect upon hair. I looked as if I had just been on the receiving end of a very nasty electric shock. I scrambled around desperately trying to find my hairbrush. I opened drawers, checked under the pile of clothes that had accumulated on my chair, checked under my bed, but it was nowhere to be found.

It was then that I noticed Squall.

"Is this what you're looking for?" he asked, innocently, holding up my hairbrush like a trophy.

"Give me that," I shouted, snatching it from his hand before frantically trying to comb my hair down.

"Just how long were you going to let me look for that?" I asked, indignantly. "I cannot believe that you find my hair funny.

He held both of his hands up in protest.

"Hey, I never said I found it funny. I like it, it's an…um…interesting new style," he protested.

"Meanie," I retorted, punching his arm. It was meant to hurt, but instead, it just made him laugh even harder. Eventually, I could take it no longer, and collapsed, laughing hysterically on the bed.

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It was several minutes before we both regained our composure, and then the uncomfortable silence began once more. To me, it felt as though words would be futile. I wanted to say thank you, for making me laugh. It had been so long since the last time I had found any joy in the world, that I had almost forgotten what it felt like.

For once, it was left to Squall to break the silence.

"Thank you."

"What for?" I asked, puzzled. Shouldn't it be me who was thanking him?

"Well, for lots of things really. For not turning me away at the door, for making me laugh, for not murdering me when I made fun of your hair. I really came here to thank you for coming with me to Garden. I…I know it can't be easy for you."

"I was a little scared at first," I admitted, "but I'm glad I came. I left a lot of things up in the air when I left, and now I've got a chance to explain myself to certain people."

"Well, I know I asked a lot of you by coming here and I think it's only fair that you know how much I appreciate it."

I didn't know how to respond to this unusual show of emotion and gratitude, so I asked the first question that came into my head.

"Has it helped, being here? Do you remember anything more?"

He shook his head. "Not much, just a few little things really. I remember you waking me up one morning and demanding that I take you on a tour and something about going to the training centre for a date, but that's about it."

I had to really focus to stop myself from laughing.

"That wasn't a date, silly, I was just joking. You were showing me around, and being really dull about it, like a tour guide, so when you showed me the training centre, I jokingly said that you'd take a girl there on a first date. It didn't actually happen."

"Good, I was beginning to think that I was a real loser."

"Nah, just a little uptight," I replied.

"Not much has changed has it?" he asked, glumly, and the smile gave way to a frown that made him appear as if he was thinking too much.

"What do you mean?"

"Whilst I've been here, I've been completely unbearable, haven't I? What with me losing my temper and screaming at everyone, it's a wonder you're still here."

"Don't say that Squall."

"I mean it. I've been taking out my frustration on everyone and everything, and the last thing I want to do is to take it out on you."

"Squall?"

I couldn't believe he was saying this. Were things for him really this bad? Losing your memory is something that I just can't comprehend, because for the last four years of my life, they're the only thing I've been living off. Maybe I should have been thinking less of myself and more of Squall. I could have been more supportive, I could have helped him more than I have done. A wave of guilt washed over me, as I realised just how selfish I had been.

"Rinoa, I don't know why, but you're the only person I can remember. I…I…"

I could sense what he wanted to ask me. The pained expression that appears on his face as he tries to say those words is familiar to me, but I can't expect him to say them, just now.

"Squall, I'd be delighted to help you if that's what you want."

The look of relief that flooded over his face when I expressed what he couldn't was evident. It would seem that things don't change all that much over four years. Squall Leonhart still does not know how to ask for help.

"Thank you," he whispered, before pausing, unsure of what to do. After appearing to weigh up is options, he awkwardly put his arms around me. "Thank you." After just a few moments he tried to pull away, but before I knew what I was doing I was pulling him back, even closer to me. He didn't seem to mind, though. At least he wasn't trying to throw me off him. In fact, he seemed to be more comfortable and the awkwardness in his manner was gone.

I couldn't describe it, but it just felt…I don't know…_right_, as if it was somehow meant to be.

"Squall?"

"Yes?"

"Would you mind staying for a little while longer?

For once, I was glad that he didn't utter a word. I took the silence, and the fact that he was pulling me even closer to him, as an unequivocal _yes._

A/N: I want to apologise profusely to everybody that was reading this and waiting for an update. What, between exams, working all summer, and starting university, I haven't had a whole lot of time on my hands. Hopefully, that will change now that everything's settled down, and I hope to be updating regularly again. Thanks to everybody who has been reading and reviewing this story. Hope you haven't lost interest because of the long wait.


	25. First Night

Chapter 24

_What does it mean,_

_When you belong to someone._

_When you're born with a name,_

_And you carry it on._

Won't Give In, The Finn Brothers

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_What the hell was I thinking?_

_How did I let this happen?_

_What do I do now?_

I'm not sure if she's truly asleep or not. She sure does look peaceful though, lying there in my arms.

_Why didn't I say no?_

Why is that one little word is so hard to say to her?

I guess I couldn't really say it, though. I mean, I was the one who came here. It was my decision to talk to her, so how could I push her away when she'd been understanding enough to talk to me at four in the morning?

Truthfully, I'm not even sure that I know why I did it? I couldn't sleep, and I was feeling terrible about how I had behaved through this whole thing. I just kept trying to imagine how hard this had all been for her, harder even than for me perhaps. It was then that I realised exactly how much of a pain I'd been, and that I'd been making things even harder for her, something I never wanted to do. She was good enough to take me in, to try and show me my past, and I repay her by being the world's biggest idiot. I should get an award for it or something.

That was why I felt I had to apologise, and to share how I'm feeling with her…well, a little of how I'm feeling at any rate. I owed her that much.

For some reason, I wanted her know that she's the only person I can remember. I was so afraid that she would leave otherwise.

No…not afraid, exactly, but, I didn't want her to go.

_Who am I kidding? _

I _was_ afraid. Afraid that she would leave, and I'd never find out just who I was, afraid that I would never find out what we had together.

I don't think I've ever been so ashamed of myself. At least, I don't remember ever being any more ashamed of myself. I can't believe how cowardly I've been. I should be able to deal with this on my own. I shouldn't need anybody to hold my hand and guide me through it, but I do, and I hate myself for it.

I've never needed anybody before, so why now? Why do I have to be so weak?

Is this really the life I want to lead? To be weak and to rely on people?

It worth trading the life I had in Winhill to know who Squall Leonhart really is?

Sometimes, I wonder. Back in Winhill, I didn't have these kinds of worries in my life. I was my own boss, I could do what I want, and I didn't have to worry about how other people felt. When I think back on it, it was a good life. A simple life, but a good one.

_But it wasn't mine._

That's what keeps holding me back. There's part of my mind that keeps thinking that it would be so easy just to run away from here, to jump on the boat and return to the life I had before. Easy, but cowardly.

Then there's the other part of my mind, the one that's kept me here so far. The one telling me that this is my life, and I have to fight for it no matter what. That was the part of my mind that took over when Rinoa asked me to stay.

That was why I couldn't say no.

Maybe, there is a part of me that doesn't want to be the real Squall Leonhart, but it's fighting a losing battle.

_And all because of her._

All because of the woman that's lying in my arms now, sleeping. She's the link to my real life, the one person I can remember, and know that I cared for. I know she can help me too. I know she can, because every time I'm near her, something happens to me. I feel something…strange. I guess that's the only way I can describe it. It's not an unpleasant feeling, far from it. It's just different from anything that I'd ever experienced in my life at Winhill. That means that there must be something of my past left inside me, and she's the key to unlocking it.

That's why I'm so afraid she'll leave. If she does, I'll just carry on being the broken shell of a man that I am now, with no past, a confused present, and an uncertain future.

With her, I'm not like this. I feel as if everything's going to turn out alright in the end, that it's only a matter of time before all of my memories come flooding to me, and I'll be Squall again. I know that I might be foolish and delusional, but there's a chance that she can help me, I know it.

_She has to be the key._

I held my breath as she shifted her head slightly on my chest, not wanting her to waken. When she had settled once again, I exhaled and began to brush her hair away from her eyes. I was sure to do this gently, I didn't want to disturb her after all. There was something comforting about this, something relaxing. The long night awake was beginning to take it's toll on me, and I felt secure enough here to shut my eyes and drift off to sleep.

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_I was lying next to her, cradling her in my arms. I placed her head softly onto my chest and handed her my shirt to dry her eyes on. I hated seeing her like this, but sadly, the tears were becoming a part of our daily lives, and all because she's a sorceress. Sometimes, I just wish that we could both run away from this place, so that we could just be together. No more prejudice against her, no more fearful glances in the corridors, just us two. The more I think about it, the more appealing the whole idea is, but how can I leave this place, my home? How could we leave our friends, our responsibilities? No, all it will ever be is a dream._

_Does she cry every night? _

_I wish I could be here to protect her. Those words she had said to me had filled me with joy. _

_"Stay with me tonight."_

_Now, they just made me feel guilty, that I'd let her down. I should be here for her all of the time, not just when it suits me, and Garden protocol. I shouldn't have listened to that stupid rule about not having anybody in your room after lights out. Maybe, at one time, I had cared what people thought of me, but now, they can think what they like. I want to be with her every night. I know a lot of people will misunderstand, but that's their problem. All I know is that I want to be near her, and that's what matters to me. _

_I stroked her hair gently, trying to offer her any comfort that I could. _

_I was angry, angry at that jerk who reduced her to tears, and angry at myself for letting him near her. This was all my fault._

_"If it helps, he's now in Deling Hospital recovering nicely." I was surprised when she laughed._

_"Very funny," she replied jabbing me in the stomach, playfully._

_"Actually, it's true. Just thought that image might cheer you up or something."_

_"Squall!" she exclaimed. "He's a very important client. You could lose heaps of money."_

_"I don't care," I answered truthfully. "I don't want his business." _

_"Thanks Squall," she said, pulling me even closer._

_"No, thank you. Thank you for letting me stay."_

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My eyes drifted slowly open, and as my blurred surroundings slowly came into focus, I struggled to remember where I was. I found the answer lying in my arms, still sleeping peacefully. I must have fallen asleep whilst I was watching her.

Two things struck me about the current situation.

One was that it was so similar to the memory I had dreamt in the night. At least, that's what I assumed it was. Maybe lying here with her had jogged my memory of that night, or maybe it was just a dream. Until Rinoa woke up, there was no way of knowing for sure.

The second was that it was light outside. I had slept much later than my usual dawn waking hour, and I had somebody to meet today urgently. I was just about to get out of bed when I remembered Rinoa. Looking at her, I realised I wouldn't be able to wake her without an incredible feeling of guilt. She must have had a sleepless night too.

My decision was that easy to make.

_He'll just have to wait._


End file.
